Alex and I went to the mall downtown, today. As I walked through the festively decorated mall, I suddenly became very excited for Christmas. Pathetic, I know. It actually took a mall to do that. I feel dirty. But to be fair, being on campus in Victoria doesn't give you a sense holiday spirit. With the exception of bare naked trees and mounds of brown leaves, It's still green for the most part, and if I didn't keep track of the date and didn't have final exams burdening our souls it wouldn't occur to me at all that Christmas is imminent. It took my inner consumer, or worse, my inner mall-rat to awaken my yuletide self.

I can't believe it. There are two people from my elementary school who go to UVic. John McDougall and Nabila Lalani. I just think that's the coolest thing! I kind of want to get in touch with them again (in the real world that is, not the cyber world), but it's also a really scary thought. We've changed so much, and we're all such different people I bet. It's just so weird to have lost touch after all this time and then rediscovering them right under your nose. It's so crazy finding them again on Facebook, seeing how they've grown up. They've both aged really well I must say. I wonder how many more Calgary Montessori School-ites are poking around here...

Existential Crisis

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in so long...I really have no excuse on this one.

Sooo, I have a lot of thinking to do, about second year. I won't be able to double-major in Acting and Writing, as the course load would be waaay too much. So I have to decide what I'm going to do. I've been talking to Lisi about directing class, which might also be a possibility for a specialisation. It's hard because some days I really freakin' want to write, and others I want to act. Sometimes I want to participate and other times I want to observe.I don't want to have to choose, but I know that I cant do all things. It's not really a matter of what I love to do more, but just what would be best for me to get a degree out of, and what kind of an experience I want at University. I've always seen University as a place for scholarly, academic pursuits, and with Acting, it's not quite as academic (or at least not in the same way). I know I'll always have theatre in my life, and I'm pretty sure I want to act after, but at the same time, I don't necessarily need a degree in it. It would just be really good for honing my craft, and preparing me for the business of proffessional acting.When I'm at the Phoenix, it doesn't really feel like I'm at university at all. A theatre school, yes, but not a fully-fledged university. That's a wonderful thing in its own right, but I feel like I'm missing out on something. I want the university feel while I can still get it. I want to be academic and scholarly. So you might say, well why not combine those interests, of theatre and academics? I can, but I don't necessarily want to. I don't want to major in Theatre History. it's fascinating, but I don't want to major in it.

Maybe my idea of university is the most impractical kind. I'd just keep my nose in books all the time, and just speculate about the world and life, rather than live it. So which is better do you think? Life in theory, or life in practice? While specialising in my industry right away is more practical, I feel more intellectually enriched by the rest of the university. I don't have as much of a one-track mind as some people in theatre. Some know inside out that they want to act, or design or direct or whatever, and I truly admire them for that. But I'm not like that. My interests are a bit divided sometimes, and I don't want to choose, and as a result, nothing happens. It's better to be a master in one art, than a smatterer in many, as the saying goes. I don't want to smatter, but I'm afraid to choose as well.

-Thus far my main goal has been to go to university. It was an end rather than a means, and I didn't really think much about what I'd do afterwards. I can help it I'd stay at university for the rest of my life. It's like being in the House of Elrond! I'll be a proffessor, perhaps.

-This past week my love for acting has been revived though, after seeing Wind in the Willows, and listening to Christopher Newton's lecture.
So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to work as hard as I can in all my classes and keep my grades up, and audition for second year acting at the end of the year. But I don't think double-majoring is gonna work, unless I do the Theatre/Writing program, which is an option.

Ok, so here's the plan:

If I get into Acting next year, I'll Major in Acting and Minor in English

If I don't get into Acting, I'll do the Theatre/Writing Major, and Minor in English (second choice)

or

Directing, minoring in English or Writing (2nd second choice)

or

Theatre Generalist Option, minoring in English (3rd second choice)

Until then though, I'll worry about my immediate decisions, and enjoy it all as much as I can. I'm also going to do as much research about my options as I can. I've asked Marco about English, Lisi about Directing, and ask the fine arts advisor as well.

Claire de Lune...

Perhaps the most soothing music I've ever heard. Whether I'm feeling well or not at all, it's so beautiful.

I truly hate being alone, here in Rez. Being here is probably a good thing, because here I'm out of context, uprooted, and it further defines me as a person. But this is something I can only appreciate looking back on. I hate it. And maybe that's all it really is, just being away from home. Well, that's not entirely it. But no matter how good of a day it is, I always come back here into my little box and am reminded that I am, (and how it feels right now) always will be alone. I need and I need and I need, and it never stops. I'm never content. There's fire in me, and there's no way to let it out. I feel so distant from everyone and everything. I thank those who've been here for me though. Thank you, Kevin, Kylian, Rita and Gabby. I miss you guys soooo much. Thank you, Kesinee, especially. I love you, and you've done SO much to help.

I'm lost and I'm confused and I don't know how to express this, so I come on here, and words don't do it justice. I wish I didn't have to explain myself. I wish I could just be.

An Attempt at Mindfulness

Every now and then I take a crack at meditation. On a bad day, it's really quite frustrating, and I'm so easily distracted with the noise and madness in my head, and then I become aware of my distraction, which makes it even more frustrating, so it feels like I've wasted my time. But I know that every attempt is worth it, ultimately. On a good day, I manage to separate myself from my thoughts, and I get to a point where I really feel the effects of mindfulness. I'll try to explain. You become so aware of everything around you, and with your eyes closed it feels like everything is really close to you, every sound and every sensation. It also feels like, when I open my eyes, it feels like everything is really far away; I look down at my feet and it feels like I'm so high up from them, because I feel so entrenched within my own mind, as if I'm a small observer, looking out through a window into the world. It's really hard to explain, and it's not really as fantastical as I make it out to sound. It sounds trippy, but it's really not. It's just a feeling like...like you're really there, and your mind isn't anywhere else. It's a feeling of presence, a strong concentration. It's quite a cool feeling. But I know it doesn't stop there. There's even more concentration and practice that can lead you to an even deeper and more focused state. That's what I think mindfulness is all about, as I've experienced it. A calm, focused, single-pointedness of mind. I just wish I could have that as soon as I get off of my pillow and go live my daily life. Meditation can make you feel quite good and relaxed sometimes, but what good is it, really, unless it's benefits start to show in the rest of your life? I'm not sure if it really has shown or not. I just need to be patient. It's a long, agonising, and exciting process.

Recycling.

I think there's a misconception about art that I've had, which is important to point out in order to further understand how it works. I always talk about art as an act of creation. But what it really is is re-creation. This all makes a lot of sense since, unfortunately, we are not God, so we aren't able to make something out of nothing. Rather, we convert something into something else. It's like the laws of thermodynamics, how the total sum of energy in the universe can neither be increased nor decreased; you cant can't create new energy or destroy it, only convert it. The same goes for Art. It's recycling, really, and I don't mean that in a pejorative sense at all. It's taking what's already there and rearranging it into something new, or at least giving it the illusion of newness, and the reason why art is so poignant or illuminating is not because it's concepts are new, but because it points towards something we always knew was there, but never recognised it. It shows us something in us--terrifying or awe-inspiring, or moving, but not altogether unfamiliar.
It's a humbling thought, knowing that ultimately you, as an artist, are not the source, but merely the vehicle, the conduit, for the inspiration, the art, for something greater, or at least something other than yourself. It's humbling but it's also empowering and relieving, because it takes the daunting task of God off our shoulders, and we are given license to use what's around us, to use what's already there to make our art. So if I'm ever in a struggle to find inspiration, all I need to do is take what's there.

just fillin' my quota...

I just finished my report for religious studies, and my thesis/outline for theatre history. I would celebrate if it weren't so late, and I, so tired. And yet here I am, blogging away into oblivion. Why am I journaling as opposed to sleeping, you ask? I don't know! But then again, the most frequently I've blogged was a week ago, when I felt a lot worse than I do right now. And now, I feel very very tired, from a weekend full of hard researching labour. It seems the best time to write is when it is most inconvenient to do so. I guess that always happens, doesn't it? You never get inspiration when you're sitting in front of the screen. No! It's when your in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the bloody bus or something, when something hits you and you are far away from paper, pen or computer. My capacity to have inspiration is always at odds with my capacity to communicate it.
Anyway, Im writing, is my point, which really isn't much of a point, when you think about it. Unless you consider the importance of writing for writing's sake, which I do. So I guess it is a good point. How 'bout that.

As the week went on I started feeling a bit better. But again, I know very well that that doesn't mean my problems are dealt with. I'm resolved to go to the counsellor when I have free time, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the meditation session. The thing is, everything's happening so rapidly in my life right now, it's hard to just step back and really see things as they are. And that's something I really need, right now.
I just can't relax. I have this constant nagging feeling, even when things are going pretty well, this nagging feeling that things should be, and therefore will be, worse. Yes, it is mostly in my mind. Everything is about mindset, and attitude. But even so, a mindset can be one of the hardest mountains to move.

Alice From Wonderland was an unmitigated hit with the audience. We had a full house every night, and I even felt more confident about my characterisation of the Hatter, by the end. Anyway good job, everybody! I had so much fun with that cast, and now I like to think we're relatively closER if still not close, to each other. We're comfortable with each other, is how it feels.

I think I understand my two-minded situation a little better. You see, I have this voice in my head, that says that my involvement in theatre is a waste of time. It's annoying, because it goes against everything I've really believed in about art, and yet it's still there, quite obnoxiously. I can't keep ignoring it, though. It comes out of my desire to be involved in and relevant to society at large and the world as a whole. And it is so easy to think that theatre doesn't accomodate that need. In some ways, it doesn't, really. Everything that happens in theatre is, quite literally, behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. I live for it (quite literally!) But its not without its disadvantages. It's not as accessible an art form as, say film, for example. This is something that's challenged all theatre-people. How do we keep up? How do we make theatre more relevant and accessible to a society that isn't predominantly occupied with theatre? It's these particular shortcomings that I find the most unsettling. It's other imperfections don't bother me at all, and in many ways I think enhance it. But this, this bugs me. Well, it's not the fault of theatre itself, and it's partially me. In the long run, when I look at my life ahead of me, I don't know what I see, at all. It's just weird because I've never been able to connect to anything like I do with theatre. It is the most alive, breathing, human art I can imagine, and I can't imagine doing anything else, at least not as vividly as I see myself here. In spite of this, part of me wants to do something else, sometimes.


I wanted to mention that the United States Government awarded the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal, on Wednesday. I must say that, as shitty as the government is, I'm proud of them for doing that, knowing very well how much that would piss the Chinese off. Bravo, guys! Way to show some backbone!

Well, it's 3:20 A.M.

I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I have a Poetry Exam this morning, and of course, I can't sleep. So I was thinking, well, I have plenty on my mind to keep me up, so I may as well blog about it.

I managed to feel a sense of calm eventually, tonight, as I was trying to get to sleep. I've been stressing so much about everything, and I have so much of everything to stress about. I just tried to think about each thing I have to do --my papers, my tests, my shows, my hours etc etc.-- individually, as opposed to looking at it as one giant monster that's consuming my life. I couldn't think straight, I could barely see straight with how much I have to do on my mind. At some point though my mind just went "WHOA! SLOW THE FUCK DOWWWWWN!" Eventually I managed to calm down a bit more, and I didn't feel like I loathed my own existence as much. It's just for now, I know, but I should take it for what it's worth.

Being apart from Joelle is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I think it'll do us both some good to grow on our own, now. And maybe, down the road we can be together again, if we still feel the same way about each other. Love is a persistent creature, after all. But it won't be a moment before we know we're both ready. We weren't ready this summer. We rushed into it. I can't blame myself. There was nothing I could do. At least I'll keep telling myself that. Joelle isn't well right now, and she isn't in any kind of state to have a relationship. There's nothing I can do. I still contributed though. I feel as though, because there was nothing I could do, that it's because of who I am; there's something inherently wrong with me, something in my nature that makes me incompatible with her. Hopefully I'm wrong, but such thoughts will arise as is wont.
But nevertheless, I want to see this time as a time to take care of myself. I will do things that make me happy, things that are good for me. I'm cutting off facebook, and msn, and communicating only through e-mail, cell phone, blog, or in person. it's kind of sad to say, but it's hard for me to remember what my life was like before I ever got msn or facebook! What did I do with my time?! I must withdraw myself from the world a little bit, and let myself recover, and heal. Something that contributes to my loneliness comes from craving company and not getting anything out of it once I have it, and so I mean to keep a distance to a degree, in certain situations, anyway. If I have to be thrust into this isolation, then at least I can try to enjoy the pleasure of my own company a little more. I need to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm no good to anybody if I can't help myself.

So IF Jo and I ever do get back together, it has to be under better circumstances, or else it will fall apart. But yes, it is something I'd consider. I love her, still.

I hope to find the counseling office on Friday, and look into that. On Monday, I'm meditating after class, no ifs ands or buts.

Oh! Now it's almost 4:00 AM. Almost 3 hours till I have to wake up! Won't this be fun...

Ok. I can do this. I am doing this.