I've recently come to the realisation that I have a great deal of anger in me. Moreso than I thought. Or maybe not anger per se, but a lot of negatvity in general, sometimes which I won't intentionally let on (but I might show it despite myself). I find myself reacting to some people with a lot of indignation, or resentment. I'm judgemental and it makes me mad that I'm like that, which makes it worse. I'm hard on myself, and consequently I can often be hard on others. I've come to the conclusion that, as weird as this sounds, I've kind of forgotten what it means to accept and to forgive; myself and others around me. I'm not at peace with anything, and there's a lot of tension that I don't deal with. Sure I can relax and feel good about myself at times, but I don't really consider that 'dealing with' the root problems. And none of this is really a groundbreaking revelation either. These are aspects of myself that I always knew were there, but I don't think I've acknowledged that enough.
Lately I've been going through a bit of self-reflection, and trying to come to terms with what I can and can't do as a human being. So my question is, if you try so so SO hard at something to be able to do something, but in spite of your best efforts and your best intentions you fall disappointingly short, how do you accept that? What does it mean to accept one's shortcomings, and work with them?
I realise this is all very vague, and I apologise, because unless you're inside my brain it'll probably stay that way. Don't feel bad though. And they haven't overwhelmed me, but they are there, and they're not getting any easier to deal with. I don't think of myself however as a victim of my problems...no, I am but the architect, who simply needs to work on changing the way he thinks a little bit.

In other news: I have to watch my Ninja Turtles movies soon. I feel a severe lack of ninja turtles in my life, right now. I'll get on that.

I've been writing more! Hurray! And this blog is proof! But also I've been visiting my script lately. I'm not through the first scene, even, because I'm still working out in my head what kind of characters are in it. And they are starting to flesh out more. And more. and MORE!

Alright, that's all for now, folks.

JE RETOURNE!

*Bursts through empty blog screen with a BLINDING VOIP!!!*

Hello one and all/none! I'm returning from my unintentional, extended leave of absence from blogdom, as I feel it my duty and obligation to blog. Whether or not I have anything worth saying or listening to is irrelevant. As long as I'm doing it.

So here I am, in University. It's everything I hoped it would be, and I've just barely begun to immerse myself in the experience. I'm on the threshold, nay, I'm merely peeking in, before the threshold. I love each and every class I have, in its own different way. It's so intellectually stimulating, being here. It feels like what I imagine being at an oxygen bar would be like. I'm being constantly pumped with knowledge, and it's absolutely exhilerating.
I haven't joined SFT yet, but I hope to. I haven't joined the newspaper yet, but I hope to, in the second semester at the very least. I want to do all the things that I talked about doing. I'm going to write dammit, I'm going to act, dammit, I'm going to create, meditate and participate, ameliorate, alleviate, and stay up late! haHA!

One thing I've realised about myself lately, is the reason why I find myself so easily persuaded, or fascinated and enamoured with religious traditions other than the one I inherited is because of people, individuals who show tremendous strength and will in times of crisis. These people I admire greatly. Some of the people I admire so much are amazing people because they've done extraordinary things with their faith as their inspiration. Martin Luther King Jr., The Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Adolfo Perez Esquivel, Mother Teresa, Shirin Ebadi, Pope John Paul II; these are individuals who have lived with their faith at the nucleus of their actions. So I see these people who, because of the roles they play, do become spokespersons of their beliefs, whether they intend to or not, and it's their sheer force of personality that can convince you that their paths in life are the best way to go. It's not the effect they want, I'm sure. Everyone should be able to decide for themselves and not follow someone else, but it's harder for someone who can't make up their minds. Their strength of character is enough to make you believe in God. it's these kind of people who I always look to, even more than texts or quotes or whatnot. I have faith in people who have faith, in short. Which is in a way, missing the point, I think. I am drawn to their faiths because of what they do with their faiths, not so much the basic material they work with. Let me explain: revolutionary Christians, like Mother Teresa, or John Paul II or Esquivel all make me believe in the truthfulness of Christianity, not because of the religion's own merits, but because of them, and so I mistake my faith in them for faith in Christianity. They have a greater presence in my mind than does Jesus Christ though. I believe in them more than Jesus, even though they represent him. It's like the line from Patti Smith's "Gloria" :'Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine'. There's no doubt about it. I acknowledge that Jesus is a figure of powerful presence, who has done great things and altered the course of history more than any other individual in Western Civilisation. But what does he, the supposed Son of God have to do with me? Where does he come into my daily life? I could very well think that Jesus is with me and my dearest friend, but how am I supposed to believe that if I simply don't feel it? Isn't there something a bit off with that?
Well, maybe not. Religion, like anything else, is what you make of it, and thankfully these people make a lot of it. And it reminds me that there's something with that faith that I can use and make of it as well. Seek and you shall find. Perhaps if I truly want it and need it badly enough, I will find the presence of Jesus in my life. But I don't know if I swing that way. I always find myself coming back to Christianity, but it's mostly out of habit. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, right? if so, then I might be in trouble, depending on where my feet land.
So as for myself? I don't know. I don't know what I believe. I know that I am someone with a tremendous amount of faith who doesn't know where to put it. Is there one God? Or no God? Will it make a difference in my day to day life? Probably not. But these questions still linger. It still eggs me on. But god, soul etc. they're all words, instruments of language, and language can only go so far until they become insufficient. So I can use and manipulate words as much as I like, I can give as much or as little meaning as I want, but the feeling will still be there. So what do I feel?
I have a sense of mystery, a feeling that the innermost truth, the innermost guts of reality is something ineffable. Too subtle for language. We try to capture it and bottle it up into words like 'God', or 'magic', or 'Nirvana'. I also believe there is a moral dimension to this force, this presence, as well. This description can fit with pretty much any religion out there. It's extremely general. And eventually I feel the need to identify it with a faith or faiths, whether it's because I don't feel comfortable not naming it, or because it's simply out of habit, or both. It's for convenience, essentially, because it's easier to hold on to something that's defined and concrete, which isn't altogether a bad thing. I believe in the power, utility and beauty of language. Words, my friends. In the beginning there was the Word. so long as you don't get hung up on the definitions, and remember what it is they represent. So perhaps it's a question of language. So when it comes to spirituality, what language do I speak?