Art = Nature-mirror

I went to see Oedipus Tyrannos and Antigone on Friday at U of C, by myself, unfortunately. But it was a good performance. The chorus bugged me from time to time, because often they'd deliver there lines in a very unnecessarily intense and "artsy" way, without any motive. That was annoying. I liked the characters though. My favourite was Tiresias, who was in both stories.

When I was watching the play, I remembered something that I forget: I enjoy being more onstage more than I enjoy watching it. Not to say I didn't enjoy watching it, but in my mind, I kept thinking "I wonder how I would perform in that role" and things like that. It's egotistical, I know. But come on, all actors do it; which is my point exactly. I AM an actor, so I do it. It was relieving, that I identified with actors, and to know that I think like that, that my place is not to be a mere spectator, but a participant in this art.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was seriously doubting not only my acting ability but the legitimacy of acting as a respectable art at all. I hated thinking this way, since it's been a part of my life for so long. I didn't as much of myself into the Mad Hatter in Alice and Murray in A Thousand Clowns as I could have. My heart just wasn't in it, and nothing that people could tell me would change that. For me it's not enough to know that I love doing something so that's why I do it. There has to be more than that. I wanted some outside reference to legitimise my love for acting. Legitimacy is the difference between acting as a hobby and acting as a serious study and profession. I don't love it irrationally. I love it because it's great, and because it's important, and not because it just makes me happy. So why is it important?

It strikes me as odd that one of the chief purposes of theatre is to entertain. It feels so insignificant when that is all people get from it. And then it occurred to me that this is only what most people experience as an audience. But thankfully I should also remember that it doubles as entertainment AND art. Bad actors can still be entertaining in some ways. In fact you don't need any acting skills whatsoever to be entertaining. Good actors turn it into a high art, while simultaneously entertaining people.

But then I saw Christopher Newton's lecture, who deeply inspired me. Later on, in one of the final classes with Ned he gave us the quote from Hamelt, that goes: "the purpose of playing, whose end, both at the first and now, was and is to hold as ‘twere the mirror up to nature". This was a real eye-opener. It reminded me what art is about.

I eventually decided I'd still aim for acting, and now my resolve is stronger than it's ever been. I still doubt my acting abilities, but I don't doubt why I'm still doing this. Now I must double my efforts to study it, and put in a level of commitment and determination like I've never exerted before. I'll read anything about acting I can get my hands on, watch movies and read plays and get a couple monologues under my belt. I'll try to become more fit and healthy, and do vocal exercises daily. I probably won't do all of this as much as I hope, but there's no harm in trying. And really the hardest part is just getting started, getting into a habit. So I'll have to force myself. I know I'll be glad I did in the long run.

I realise I can do all these things, and they can benefit myself as a person, but no matter how hard I work, if I don't pass the audition, I don't pass the audition. And that's fine. If I don't get accepted into Acting, nobody will say that I didn't do my damn'dest! Anyway I do like to think that any extra work I put in to this will give me some sort of an edge, over myself if not over the "competition". And I don't really see my peers as competition, anyway. I'd prefer to think of this as like golf, a constant effort to improve your own score, regardless of how others are doing. Ok, so you DO compete in golf, but....yeah, you get the idea.

Alex and I went to the mall downtown, today. As I walked through the festively decorated mall, I suddenly became very excited for Christmas. Pathetic, I know. It actually took a mall to do that. I feel dirty. But to be fair, being on campus in Victoria doesn't give you a sense holiday spirit. With the exception of bare naked trees and mounds of brown leaves, It's still green for the most part, and if I didn't keep track of the date and didn't have final exams burdening our souls it wouldn't occur to me at all that Christmas is imminent. It took my inner consumer, or worse, my inner mall-rat to awaken my yuletide self.

I can't believe it. There are two people from my elementary school who go to UVic. John McDougall and Nabila Lalani. I just think that's the coolest thing! I kind of want to get in touch with them again (in the real world that is, not the cyber world), but it's also a really scary thought. We've changed so much, and we're all such different people I bet. It's just so weird to have lost touch after all this time and then rediscovering them right under your nose. It's so crazy finding them again on Facebook, seeing how they've grown up. They've both aged really well I must say. I wonder how many more Calgary Montessori School-ites are poking around here...

Existential Crisis

Hey, sorry I haven't posted in so long...I really have no excuse on this one.

Sooo, I have a lot of thinking to do, about second year. I won't be able to double-major in Acting and Writing, as the course load would be waaay too much. So I have to decide what I'm going to do. I've been talking to Lisi about directing class, which might also be a possibility for a specialisation. It's hard because some days I really freakin' want to write, and others I want to act. Sometimes I want to participate and other times I want to observe.I don't want to have to choose, but I know that I cant do all things. It's not really a matter of what I love to do more, but just what would be best for me to get a degree out of, and what kind of an experience I want at University. I've always seen University as a place for scholarly, academic pursuits, and with Acting, it's not quite as academic (or at least not in the same way). I know I'll always have theatre in my life, and I'm pretty sure I want to act after, but at the same time, I don't necessarily need a degree in it. It would just be really good for honing my craft, and preparing me for the business of proffessional acting.When I'm at the Phoenix, it doesn't really feel like I'm at university at all. A theatre school, yes, but not a fully-fledged university. That's a wonderful thing in its own right, but I feel like I'm missing out on something. I want the university feel while I can still get it. I want to be academic and scholarly. So you might say, well why not combine those interests, of theatre and academics? I can, but I don't necessarily want to. I don't want to major in Theatre History. it's fascinating, but I don't want to major in it.

Maybe my idea of university is the most impractical kind. I'd just keep my nose in books all the time, and just speculate about the world and life, rather than live it. So which is better do you think? Life in theory, or life in practice? While specialising in my industry right away is more practical, I feel more intellectually enriched by the rest of the university. I don't have as much of a one-track mind as some people in theatre. Some know inside out that they want to act, or design or direct or whatever, and I truly admire them for that. But I'm not like that. My interests are a bit divided sometimes, and I don't want to choose, and as a result, nothing happens. It's better to be a master in one art, than a smatterer in many, as the saying goes. I don't want to smatter, but I'm afraid to choose as well.

-Thus far my main goal has been to go to university. It was an end rather than a means, and I didn't really think much about what I'd do afterwards. I can help it I'd stay at university for the rest of my life. It's like being in the House of Elrond! I'll be a proffessor, perhaps.

-This past week my love for acting has been revived though, after seeing Wind in the Willows, and listening to Christopher Newton's lecture.
So here's what I'm going to do: I'm going to work as hard as I can in all my classes and keep my grades up, and audition for second year acting at the end of the year. But I don't think double-majoring is gonna work, unless I do the Theatre/Writing program, which is an option.

Ok, so here's the plan:

If I get into Acting next year, I'll Major in Acting and Minor in English

If I don't get into Acting, I'll do the Theatre/Writing Major, and Minor in English (second choice)

or

Directing, minoring in English or Writing (2nd second choice)

or

Theatre Generalist Option, minoring in English (3rd second choice)

Until then though, I'll worry about my immediate decisions, and enjoy it all as much as I can. I'm also going to do as much research about my options as I can. I've asked Marco about English, Lisi about Directing, and ask the fine arts advisor as well.

Claire de Lune...

Perhaps the most soothing music I've ever heard. Whether I'm feeling well or not at all, it's so beautiful.

I truly hate being alone, here in Rez. Being here is probably a good thing, because here I'm out of context, uprooted, and it further defines me as a person. But this is something I can only appreciate looking back on. I hate it. And maybe that's all it really is, just being away from home. Well, that's not entirely it. But no matter how good of a day it is, I always come back here into my little box and am reminded that I am, (and how it feels right now) always will be alone. I need and I need and I need, and it never stops. I'm never content. There's fire in me, and there's no way to let it out. I feel so distant from everyone and everything. I thank those who've been here for me though. Thank you, Kevin, Kylian, Rita and Gabby. I miss you guys soooo much. Thank you, Kesinee, especially. I love you, and you've done SO much to help.

I'm lost and I'm confused and I don't know how to express this, so I come on here, and words don't do it justice. I wish I didn't have to explain myself. I wish I could just be.

An Attempt at Mindfulness

Every now and then I take a crack at meditation. On a bad day, it's really quite frustrating, and I'm so easily distracted with the noise and madness in my head, and then I become aware of my distraction, which makes it even more frustrating, so it feels like I've wasted my time. But I know that every attempt is worth it, ultimately. On a good day, I manage to separate myself from my thoughts, and I get to a point where I really feel the effects of mindfulness. I'll try to explain. You become so aware of everything around you, and with your eyes closed it feels like everything is really close to you, every sound and every sensation. It also feels like, when I open my eyes, it feels like everything is really far away; I look down at my feet and it feels like I'm so high up from them, because I feel so entrenched within my own mind, as if I'm a small observer, looking out through a window into the world. It's really hard to explain, and it's not really as fantastical as I make it out to sound. It sounds trippy, but it's really not. It's just a feeling like...like you're really there, and your mind isn't anywhere else. It's a feeling of presence, a strong concentration. It's quite a cool feeling. But I know it doesn't stop there. There's even more concentration and practice that can lead you to an even deeper and more focused state. That's what I think mindfulness is all about, as I've experienced it. A calm, focused, single-pointedness of mind. I just wish I could have that as soon as I get off of my pillow and go live my daily life. Meditation can make you feel quite good and relaxed sometimes, but what good is it, really, unless it's benefits start to show in the rest of your life? I'm not sure if it really has shown or not. I just need to be patient. It's a long, agonising, and exciting process.

Recycling.

I think there's a misconception about art that I've had, which is important to point out in order to further understand how it works. I always talk about art as an act of creation. But what it really is is re-creation. This all makes a lot of sense since, unfortunately, we are not God, so we aren't able to make something out of nothing. Rather, we convert something into something else. It's like the laws of thermodynamics, how the total sum of energy in the universe can neither be increased nor decreased; you cant can't create new energy or destroy it, only convert it. The same goes for Art. It's recycling, really, and I don't mean that in a pejorative sense at all. It's taking what's already there and rearranging it into something new, or at least giving it the illusion of newness, and the reason why art is so poignant or illuminating is not because it's concepts are new, but because it points towards something we always knew was there, but never recognised it. It shows us something in us--terrifying or awe-inspiring, or moving, but not altogether unfamiliar.
It's a humbling thought, knowing that ultimately you, as an artist, are not the source, but merely the vehicle, the conduit, for the inspiration, the art, for something greater, or at least something other than yourself. It's humbling but it's also empowering and relieving, because it takes the daunting task of God off our shoulders, and we are given license to use what's around us, to use what's already there to make our art. So if I'm ever in a struggle to find inspiration, all I need to do is take what's there.

just fillin' my quota...

I just finished my report for religious studies, and my thesis/outline for theatre history. I would celebrate if it weren't so late, and I, so tired. And yet here I am, blogging away into oblivion. Why am I journaling as opposed to sleeping, you ask? I don't know! But then again, the most frequently I've blogged was a week ago, when I felt a lot worse than I do right now. And now, I feel very very tired, from a weekend full of hard researching labour. It seems the best time to write is when it is most inconvenient to do so. I guess that always happens, doesn't it? You never get inspiration when you're sitting in front of the screen. No! It's when your in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the bloody bus or something, when something hits you and you are far away from paper, pen or computer. My capacity to have inspiration is always at odds with my capacity to communicate it.
Anyway, Im writing, is my point, which really isn't much of a point, when you think about it. Unless you consider the importance of writing for writing's sake, which I do. So I guess it is a good point. How 'bout that.

As the week went on I started feeling a bit better. But again, I know very well that that doesn't mean my problems are dealt with. I'm resolved to go to the counsellor when I have free time, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the meditation session. The thing is, everything's happening so rapidly in my life right now, it's hard to just step back and really see things as they are. And that's something I really need, right now.
I just can't relax. I have this constant nagging feeling, even when things are going pretty well, this nagging feeling that things should be, and therefore will be, worse. Yes, it is mostly in my mind. Everything is about mindset, and attitude. But even so, a mindset can be one of the hardest mountains to move.

Alice From Wonderland was an unmitigated hit with the audience. We had a full house every night, and I even felt more confident about my characterisation of the Hatter, by the end. Anyway good job, everybody! I had so much fun with that cast, and now I like to think we're relatively closER if still not close, to each other. We're comfortable with each other, is how it feels.

I think I understand my two-minded situation a little better. You see, I have this voice in my head, that says that my involvement in theatre is a waste of time. It's annoying, because it goes against everything I've really believed in about art, and yet it's still there, quite obnoxiously. I can't keep ignoring it, though. It comes out of my desire to be involved in and relevant to society at large and the world as a whole. And it is so easy to think that theatre doesn't accomodate that need. In some ways, it doesn't, really. Everything that happens in theatre is, quite literally, behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. I live for it (quite literally!) But its not without its disadvantages. It's not as accessible an art form as, say film, for example. This is something that's challenged all theatre-people. How do we keep up? How do we make theatre more relevant and accessible to a society that isn't predominantly occupied with theatre? It's these particular shortcomings that I find the most unsettling. It's other imperfections don't bother me at all, and in many ways I think enhance it. But this, this bugs me. Well, it's not the fault of theatre itself, and it's partially me. In the long run, when I look at my life ahead of me, I don't know what I see, at all. It's just weird because I've never been able to connect to anything like I do with theatre. It is the most alive, breathing, human art I can imagine, and I can't imagine doing anything else, at least not as vividly as I see myself here. In spite of this, part of me wants to do something else, sometimes.


I wanted to mention that the United States Government awarded the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal, on Wednesday. I must say that, as shitty as the government is, I'm proud of them for doing that, knowing very well how much that would piss the Chinese off. Bravo, guys! Way to show some backbone!

Well, it's 3:20 A.M.

I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I have a Poetry Exam this morning, and of course, I can't sleep. So I was thinking, well, I have plenty on my mind to keep me up, so I may as well blog about it.

I managed to feel a sense of calm eventually, tonight, as I was trying to get to sleep. I've been stressing so much about everything, and I have so much of everything to stress about. I just tried to think about each thing I have to do --my papers, my tests, my shows, my hours etc etc.-- individually, as opposed to looking at it as one giant monster that's consuming my life. I couldn't think straight, I could barely see straight with how much I have to do on my mind. At some point though my mind just went "WHOA! SLOW THE FUCK DOWWWWWN!" Eventually I managed to calm down a bit more, and I didn't feel like I loathed my own existence as much. It's just for now, I know, but I should take it for what it's worth.

Being apart from Joelle is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I think it'll do us both some good to grow on our own, now. And maybe, down the road we can be together again, if we still feel the same way about each other. Love is a persistent creature, after all. But it won't be a moment before we know we're both ready. We weren't ready this summer. We rushed into it. I can't blame myself. There was nothing I could do. At least I'll keep telling myself that. Joelle isn't well right now, and she isn't in any kind of state to have a relationship. There's nothing I can do. I still contributed though. I feel as though, because there was nothing I could do, that it's because of who I am; there's something inherently wrong with me, something in my nature that makes me incompatible with her. Hopefully I'm wrong, but such thoughts will arise as is wont.
But nevertheless, I want to see this time as a time to take care of myself. I will do things that make me happy, things that are good for me. I'm cutting off facebook, and msn, and communicating only through e-mail, cell phone, blog, or in person. it's kind of sad to say, but it's hard for me to remember what my life was like before I ever got msn or facebook! What did I do with my time?! I must withdraw myself from the world a little bit, and let myself recover, and heal. Something that contributes to my loneliness comes from craving company and not getting anything out of it once I have it, and so I mean to keep a distance to a degree, in certain situations, anyway. If I have to be thrust into this isolation, then at least I can try to enjoy the pleasure of my own company a little more. I need to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm no good to anybody if I can't help myself.

So IF Jo and I ever do get back together, it has to be under better circumstances, or else it will fall apart. But yes, it is something I'd consider. I love her, still.

I hope to find the counseling office on Friday, and look into that. On Monday, I'm meditating after class, no ifs ands or buts.

Oh! Now it's almost 4:00 AM. Almost 3 hours till I have to wake up! Won't this be fun...

Ok. I can do this. I am doing this.

Brain vomit.

I don't know if this is therapeutic or not. I'm crying. I'm so tired of this cycle. Even if a day goes well, I know I'll end up feeling like this again.

To anyone reading this, I ask that you not read too much into what I write for the next while, because these are the words of someone in the thick of it, someone whose words are straight from raw emotion, minus the contemplative reflection.

Do you believe in soul mates? The realist in me says no, but once my emotions get involved, I want so badly to believe it. One's own emotions are, after all, so terribly convincing. Maybe there are soulmates. But maybe not everyone has one. John Lennon and Paul McCartney were soulmates, kindred spirits, for a time in their life. But then John met Yoko, and that was that. It's not such an unfeasible idea, soulmates. Incredibly hard to find though, if so. Some people are so deeply connected to each other, so why not? Well, maybe it's not a question of are there soulmates, but are there predestined soulmates, singular and forever fixed in heaven, that must be found in life? I suppose that also depends on whether or not you believe in fate, and destiny. It's just a hypothetical question, anyway. I won't bother trying to apply it to my own personal life right now, because I'm in a fog, and there's no way I can get perspective on something like that anyway. So why am I bringing it up? Now, especially, when such a grandiose question would arise naturally, given the shitty circumstances of my life as it is presently? Well, I guess that's exactly it. It was on my mind, and so was the nature of love in general. Love is most definitely real, to anybody who experiences it. It's probably the most real thing there is, if not the only real thing. But even so, is there true love? Is true love indestructible? Mutable? Variable? Is it even there?


Alright, well that did seem rather contemplative. I guess what I meant to say is that, I just want to speak my mind, without editing it. I'm not crying anymore. I've erased a lot of other things I wanted to say. I've edited this entry quite a bit. And I suppose I will no matter what, when writing for an audience. But I don't mean to filter my thoughts. I'll try to keep the editing to a minimum. That's what I want to do, no matter how stupid or wrong a thought may be. It has to come out. As Shakespeare said, the truth will out.

well, if I'm going to write on here, I may as well be honest. I'm unhappy. Usually when I feel down I tell myself that I'll be alright. But right now, I don't even know. I feel really, really alone. I'm very lonely and always doubting myself and furthermore feeling unable to express this outwardly, and being away from home makes it especially hard as well. There's no comfort in being around people for me, but I hate being by myself. I feel isolated and overwhelmed, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's really hard for me to say this, but the more I deny it the worse it gets. I'd be lying if I said I was alright. I'm confronting a lot of things in myself, and I don't like what I'm seeing. It's hard just writing this down, as I know there's so many things I want to say. Everything's such a mess, and I'm finding it really hard to get perspective on things, right now. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really grateful for everyone's friendship and support, so I'm sorry if I'm unable to really show it. It's something I have to sort out eventually on my own, but for now I can't bare that thought. If I do grow and learn from this, then it had better be worth it. But life goes on, right? Whether we like it or not. Whether we go willingly or are dragged kicking and screaming, it goes on. This is so hard.

my latest dispatches...

So I'm writing here and now in order to force myself into the habit of doing it on a regular basis. Even if I don't particularly have something to write about, I have to do it. Even though there's plenty other things I should be focusing on right now, like studying for my test on Thursday, or going over my lines, or preparing for the interview with Lisi tomorrow, or keeping up with my readings in all my classes, or editing and critquing my peers poems for Writing---an infinite list of things I have to do, but I still make time to write. I have to. I'll find something to write about. Thankfully I almost always do have something to write aobut, and it's simply a matter of whether or not I wish to publish it, to let my thoughts be known to the world.

I saw Idomeneo tonight. Overall, I liked it. I must admit, it was hard for me to get into at first, because after all, it is a different kind of theatre from what I'm used to. Obviously Opera is Opera, and I know what it's like, but even so, I had to unconsciously shift my mindset to watch it. To be fair, I've heard and seen snippets of it, but I've never seen one in full-length. The acting was alright, of course the singing was the most important part, which was stupendous anyway, and for what it is, I really liked how it was directed and put together. It was also a dress rehearsal, so the parts that bothered me, I'm assuming, were because of that---the fact that the subtitles on the screen above the stage kept cutting out, so we couldn't understand half of what they were singing (Idomeneo being in Italian). Thankfully I did a little bit of research beforehand, and we got the bare minimum so the plot still made sense. But yeah, despite its blips, it was good. Would I see another Opera? Probably not, unless it's a decent price. But you never know.

--------------------------------------------

Something's been bugging me lately. Well not just lately, all the time, and only lately have I looked at it more closely. It's something that's really come up because of, well, things in my personal life that have led me to think hard about it, and also the fact that I'm living in University now, and because of this, I'm uprooted and out of context, and realising what kind of a person I am in contrast to different environments. So I know that I'm an introvert, and that I have my happiest moments, moments of clarity and peace, when I'm alone, and as soon as I interact with others, a lot of that is lost, and I hate it. I love being around people and being among people, and I wish I could share myself with them, but I feel like pretty much all the time, I can't do it all that well, and people don't quite know what I'm really like. One of the problems is that I have poor communication skills, especially when talking (unless it's rehearsed, prepared, much like a script. Hmm, any wonder why I love to act?). And the other reason is that I, being riddled with insecurities, have a desparate need to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true, and it's there. I generally like people, and I like to get to know them and I believe in being friendly like most people, but even then, when I do it I feel so fake, and so unbelievably awkward. I try so hard to please; I suck up to my teachers and superiors, consciously or unconsciously. I try to take a diplomatic road wth people, even though there are some things I have strong opinions about. I've always been that way, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break that habit. Why can't I just be who I am and not worry about what others think about me? My flaws and my insecurities will shine through anyway, so why bother trying to cover them up? I bottle so much up, but I'm really not hard to read, even though I may think I can be sometimes. My thoughts betray me, without fail, and often because I don't confront it, it blows up in my face. Why can't I share myself more with people? Face to face, and not through writing?

I've recently come to the realisation that I have a great deal of anger in me. Moreso than I thought. Or maybe not anger per se, but a lot of negatvity in general, sometimes which I won't intentionally let on (but I might show it despite myself). I find myself reacting to some people with a lot of indignation, or resentment. I'm judgemental and it makes me mad that I'm like that, which makes it worse. I'm hard on myself, and consequently I can often be hard on others. I've come to the conclusion that, as weird as this sounds, I've kind of forgotten what it means to accept and to forgive; myself and others around me. I'm not at peace with anything, and there's a lot of tension that I don't deal with. Sure I can relax and feel good about myself at times, but I don't really consider that 'dealing with' the root problems. And none of this is really a groundbreaking revelation either. These are aspects of myself that I always knew were there, but I don't think I've acknowledged that enough.
Lately I've been going through a bit of self-reflection, and trying to come to terms with what I can and can't do as a human being. So my question is, if you try so so SO hard at something to be able to do something, but in spite of your best efforts and your best intentions you fall disappointingly short, how do you accept that? What does it mean to accept one's shortcomings, and work with them?
I realise this is all very vague, and I apologise, because unless you're inside my brain it'll probably stay that way. Don't feel bad though. And they haven't overwhelmed me, but they are there, and they're not getting any easier to deal with. I don't think of myself however as a victim of my problems...no, I am but the architect, who simply needs to work on changing the way he thinks a little bit.

In other news: I have to watch my Ninja Turtles movies soon. I feel a severe lack of ninja turtles in my life, right now. I'll get on that.

I've been writing more! Hurray! And this blog is proof! But also I've been visiting my script lately. I'm not through the first scene, even, because I'm still working out in my head what kind of characters are in it. And they are starting to flesh out more. And more. and MORE!

Alright, that's all for now, folks.

JE RETOURNE!

*Bursts through empty blog screen with a BLINDING VOIP!!!*

Hello one and all/none! I'm returning from my unintentional, extended leave of absence from blogdom, as I feel it my duty and obligation to blog. Whether or not I have anything worth saying or listening to is irrelevant. As long as I'm doing it.

So here I am, in University. It's everything I hoped it would be, and I've just barely begun to immerse myself in the experience. I'm on the threshold, nay, I'm merely peeking in, before the threshold. I love each and every class I have, in its own different way. It's so intellectually stimulating, being here. It feels like what I imagine being at an oxygen bar would be like. I'm being constantly pumped with knowledge, and it's absolutely exhilerating.
I haven't joined SFT yet, but I hope to. I haven't joined the newspaper yet, but I hope to, in the second semester at the very least. I want to do all the things that I talked about doing. I'm going to write dammit, I'm going to act, dammit, I'm going to create, meditate and participate, ameliorate, alleviate, and stay up late! haHA!

One thing I've realised about myself lately, is the reason why I find myself so easily persuaded, or fascinated and enamoured with religious traditions other than the one I inherited is because of people, individuals who show tremendous strength and will in times of crisis. These people I admire greatly. Some of the people I admire so much are amazing people because they've done extraordinary things with their faith as their inspiration. Martin Luther King Jr., The Dalai Lama, Desmond Tutu, Adolfo Perez Esquivel, Mother Teresa, Shirin Ebadi, Pope John Paul II; these are individuals who have lived with their faith at the nucleus of their actions. So I see these people who, because of the roles they play, do become spokespersons of their beliefs, whether they intend to or not, and it's their sheer force of personality that can convince you that their paths in life are the best way to go. It's not the effect they want, I'm sure. Everyone should be able to decide for themselves and not follow someone else, but it's harder for someone who can't make up their minds. Their strength of character is enough to make you believe in God. it's these kind of people who I always look to, even more than texts or quotes or whatnot. I have faith in people who have faith, in short. Which is in a way, missing the point, I think. I am drawn to their faiths because of what they do with their faiths, not so much the basic material they work with. Let me explain: revolutionary Christians, like Mother Teresa, or John Paul II or Esquivel all make me believe in the truthfulness of Christianity, not because of the religion's own merits, but because of them, and so I mistake my faith in them for faith in Christianity. They have a greater presence in my mind than does Jesus Christ though. I believe in them more than Jesus, even though they represent him. It's like the line from Patti Smith's "Gloria" :'Jesus died for somebody's sins but not mine'. There's no doubt about it. I acknowledge that Jesus is a figure of powerful presence, who has done great things and altered the course of history more than any other individual in Western Civilisation. But what does he, the supposed Son of God have to do with me? Where does he come into my daily life? I could very well think that Jesus is with me and my dearest friend, but how am I supposed to believe that if I simply don't feel it? Isn't there something a bit off with that?
Well, maybe not. Religion, like anything else, is what you make of it, and thankfully these people make a lot of it. And it reminds me that there's something with that faith that I can use and make of it as well. Seek and you shall find. Perhaps if I truly want it and need it badly enough, I will find the presence of Jesus in my life. But I don't know if I swing that way. I always find myself coming back to Christianity, but it's mostly out of habit. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, right? if so, then I might be in trouble, depending on where my feet land.
So as for myself? I don't know. I don't know what I believe. I know that I am someone with a tremendous amount of faith who doesn't know where to put it. Is there one God? Or no God? Will it make a difference in my day to day life? Probably not. But these questions still linger. It still eggs me on. But god, soul etc. they're all words, instruments of language, and language can only go so far until they become insufficient. So I can use and manipulate words as much as I like, I can give as much or as little meaning as I want, but the feeling will still be there. So what do I feel?
I have a sense of mystery, a feeling that the innermost truth, the innermost guts of reality is something ineffable. Too subtle for language. We try to capture it and bottle it up into words like 'God', or 'magic', or 'Nirvana'. I also believe there is a moral dimension to this force, this presence, as well. This description can fit with pretty much any religion out there. It's extremely general. And eventually I feel the need to identify it with a faith or faiths, whether it's because I don't feel comfortable not naming it, or because it's simply out of habit, or both. It's for convenience, essentially, because it's easier to hold on to something that's defined and concrete, which isn't altogether a bad thing. I believe in the power, utility and beauty of language. Words, my friends. In the beginning there was the Word. so long as you don't get hung up on the definitions, and remember what it is they represent. So perhaps it's a question of language. So when it comes to spirituality, what language do I speak?

Ok, I no longer have to deliberate this. I know I want to go to UVic. I may have broken my parents' hearts and effectively made them want to disown me, but my mind is made up.

DILEMMA

Ok, so everything isn't as settled as it seems.

A recent poll of Liam's mind suggests that UVic is in the lead at 55%, but Mount Allison is coming in close at 45%. This is anybody's game, now.

Shit.

haHA! I finally found it! Go here. SNL digital shorts are simply the greatest.

http://www.pistolwimp.com/media/39845/

Does anyone want to hang out tomorrow?

ramble on...

Hi! I'm fulfilling my half-assed duties to this blog. It's been a while, I suppose.

Oh Summerstock. I'm really going to try to make an effort to enjoy everyone's company there. I know I haven't really been all "there" for a long time, but soon I'll have no choice, so I really ought to make the best of it. I'm actually very excited to do some cast bonding in the next little while. It'll do us all some good. We'll feel more like a cast than just a bunch of people with the pretense that we're all here for the same reason.

I feel bad because there's people who have told me they're going to miss me at Westmount, but I can't really say I'll miss them. Maybe I will, but I probably won't. I can't begin to express how grateful I am that a lot of people I've known have been so kind to me and welcoming, and I don't deserve their hospitality. I just need to remind myself that I really do appreciate all the people in my life. I know I do, but I've just felt so out of touch it's hard to remember that I do. But I know the people who have made a big impact in my life, so I know who I will miss, even if it doesn't feel like it now. But dammit, if I've seemed unappreciative lately, please let me know! Don't tell me what I want to hearm either. I don't like it when people do that. I hate it when I do that. I wish I could be more honest. Well not to say that I'm not honest with people, but I wish I had more courage to say things to people that I wouldn't normally say. Everybody needs a critic, sometimes.

Wow, that paragraph hopped from one thing to another. Amazing how the mind works, really. That's the difference too, between writing for an audience or for some purpose, and writing to yourself, writing for the sake of writing. I'm not trying to make an argument or an opinion. I'm just dishing out my thoughts, unfiltered, unedited. Well not completely unfiltered. Obviously my mind moves faster than I can type so there's still a lot that goes beneath the surface. And I realise the very nature of an online blog means there's a chance of an audience, so you gotta think about what you're saying a teensy bit.

I'm reading Unfinished Tales, to prep myself for The Children of Hurin, and because I've wanted to read it for ages, so now is a good time to start. I'ts funny, I'm more excited about this new book than I am the release of the 7th Harry Potter book.Oh well, I know where my loyalties lie. But it's not like I'll never read the other books. I'm definitely in no hurry though. I probably won't see the 5th movie until I've read the book though.

One person I've realise that I really look up to is Alex. He's one of the nicest people I've met. And it occurred to me that he barely ever actually talks about himself, really. I dunno, maybe it's just that I don't know him well enough, not nearly as well as I'd like to, but even so, I don't doubt that he's still an excellent human being, regardless. So Alex, I dedicate this paragraph to you. If you don't get into UVic, I'll be very very angry with the universe.

Well, here I am again, partaking in this pathetic e-ritual: go on msn, check facebook, check blog, check callboard, go offline, all in the hopes that I might find some new insight, or some decent conversation while I sit here, doing time. It seems posting on blogs has become something of an anomaly amongst this crowd. Come ON! Let's keep it up, people! Or have I become the odd man out? Oh well, so be it. I can always find solace in solitude as much as in the company of others. At least it's worth a try. Take THAT, people! I will sit here contentedly twiddling my thumbs in the society of myself.

oh MAN! Just over a month left of high school! Paah-raaaise Je-zuss! I really think all I'm going to miss is the teachers, and may be a tiny handful of people there. But really, I'm ready to go. The unfamiliarity of a new life at University really doesn't scare me. I don't feel like I relate to these people at Westmount, anymore. These days I'll go to classes and leave without much chit-chat in between. I will miss the faculty though. They rock, quite simply. But yeah, Scott put it perfectly when he said it was like they put you in a box, and then you get to big for that box, and you feel cramped and you need more movig space, until one day you can smash the walls and open it up to find yourself in a much bigger box! Hmm...that came out bleaker than it was meant to...but that's the gist of it, really. And at least in the bigger box there's more room and more flexibility for living. But it is, ultimately, another a box. Yet this doesn't have to be a bad thing. This is a reminder that this too, will one day be too small for us; it gives us imperative to grow and evolve, until one day we will have PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER.....like the Genie. Good movie, Aladdin. (Mmm-mmm tangents). But for now, the long and short of it is, Westmount is one box too small for me. Yeah, that's nothing new, I know.

To more important news, which isn't really news at all: Yaay! I'm going to UVic. I love the fact that I can say it's a matter of when, that it's something that's ACTUALLY going to happen. I think it'll do me good. I truly hope it does. I need some good.

I still don't know what to do for that damn poetry contest! Maybe I'll have to turn to my friends Silverstein or Lewis or Chesterton for some nonsense poetry inspiration. I really have no idea. Quick! Someone give me something to poem about!

We've waited such a long time such a long time such a long such a long time.....

haHA! No more Drivers Ed class for me! Finally.

I had a dance party with myself, this afternoon. I danced to David Byrne in my living room. That may sound really sad and pathetic, but it was actually amazingly fun. Why? Just because. I will always have a place in my heart for Mr. Byrne.

I just popped in to say hello, really. The world is ok. Life is still crazy, but the world is ok.

Alright, I promised I'd post today, so post I shall. It will not change the world, but I am a man of my word, so here I am.

I finally bought Pearl Jam's "Ten" album the other day and listened to it. I always forget how much I enjoy Pearl Jam, until I hear them again. Good times, good times.

I was scrolling through old photo albums on Tuesday night, to find a baby picture for grad. But the real reward was seeing all of those old pictures again. It's bizarre to think that all of those people, those younger people were me, my family, my friends. They look like such strangers. Seeing pictures of my mom and dad when they were newlyweds was even stranger. I often wonder what my parents relationship is now, as compared to when they were first married. Do they still love each other? I hope so. It's hard to tell with some people. Especially parents. But you never know, right? Love comes in so many shapes and sizes and degrees. Old(er) love does look very different from the younger kind. But perhaps not SO different that you can't recognise it for what it is. I do hope my parents love each other. It would probably be a while yet before I ever got the courage to ask either of them, if I ever do. Perhaps it's best I don't. I don't usually think of them like that, as husband and wife. I just think of them as mom and dad, and I'm sure most of us do....and then there's the kids. We were all so cute. Gabby and Ciaran were ADORABLE. I wonder what happened? Hahaha no, I jest. They're still just as cute as they were before...and then there is me. I don't think I look alike in any two time periods of my life. Even since junior high I've changed in spades. It's amazing all these things you can forget until you leaf through these things. I encourage everyone to go look at old photo albums and let the old memories come flooding in. You'll be glad you did.

Rye-turz blawk

So I want to enter this upcoming writing contest for CBC. It's a 500 word entry for this one, I believe, and I really want to write some fresh material. The criteria is it needs to be "light in tone and humourous, if possible." It can be a poem, or a short story, or whatever, as long as it's light and/or funny. Soooo......any ideas? Anyone? C'mon, I know you're all geniuses, so don't hide it from leeches like me! You're all full of anecdotal gems, I just know it! I'm just a little lacking in inspiration in this department, so if any of you guys has an idea or any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.

Hello all (or none)!

As you can see, I've done some renovating. I wanted something a little brighter. After all, the world needs more brightness, yes? So I thought I'd begin with the wallpaper of my very own blog. The harbour is a good theme, I thought. It has an air of release, of new voyages, or home-comings.

Speaking of comings and goings, I'm finding more and more that I am wanting to go to Mount Allison less and less. It was never a first choice, but still.

It was a drab Spring Break. I barely got to see my friends. It had its very interesting moments though.

I've started driving for the first couple of times, and it's really not as bad as I thought it would be. At least, not as scary, anyway. I just hope I end up a good driver. And a good, upstanding citizen. In a middle-class suburban house. With a car. And a dog. And 1.5 children per family.......yeah, I really don't know where that came from.

I'm about 9 pages into this play and, well, so far so good. I can't believe I wrote At Bellafonte's so bloody fast! What the hell happened? And why can't I do that again?

I wish I could remember my dreams. Then I would document them and write about them here, in my blog, so at least there would be more interesting stuff to read.

Here's a quote by Shantideva that I have mixed feelings about. What are your thoughts, comrades?

"If you can do something about it, why worry?
If you can't do something about it, why worry?"

It's probably paraphrased, but you get the idea.

This month is going to be crazy in every way....brace yourself, Liam........

Hi again!

Yesterday was my first drivers ed class. Absolutely riveting. I can't believe people actually do 8 hour classes of that. Good god.

Big news! I got a letter on Monday, from Mount Allison. Naturally, being rather nervous about opening it, I waited a little. I'd pace back and forth in the small space of my room, pondering whether I should in fact open it then and there. But of course, the suspense was too much for me, so I opened it up. I opened it expecting it to say whether or not I was accepted. What I did NOT expect was that instead it was an offer. An offer for a 12 fucking thousand dollar scholarship!! Needless to say, I was flabbergasted. Of course,if I did go there, this 12 000 dollars woudn't come all at once. It would be spaced out, 3000$ per year. But still, it's an honour that THEY would offer ME their highest entrance scholarship. I was giddy for quite some time, you can imagine. I'd never been offered a scholarship, let alone from a University. Now this is what confused me though. They offer me this, but they still hadn't officially, directly stated that I was accepted. So it was kinda weird. But an offer like that must mean SOMETHING. Well, the next day an official letter of acceptance arrived, somewhat anticlimactically, to my humble little abode. So this is what it's like, getting your first letter of acceptance. Yet, in spite of the absolute honour that it is, it's not what I'm aiming for. Mount Allison is so far away, from everything and everyone. I know it sounds crazy, but even with the scholarship, I don't think I want to go. It remains a plan B, while I hold my breath for UVic, and if I get accepted there, scholarship or none, I'm gonna go out West. My mom thinks I should go to Mount Allison, now that all this has come in the mail. I shouldn't be surprised. It is a fabulous AND well-known school. But it's not for me, plain and simple. I don't want to disappoint my mom, or anyone else who thinks I should go east, but I can't go to appease or impress anyone. This is my life, yes? Perhaps when I was 12 I would've jumped at the idea of going to Mount Allison, when I still wanted to graduate from there and go on to Oxford and be a Rhodes Scholar. It's amazing, really, how much I've changed in 6 years.
But anyway, I'm still enjoying the fact that I've been accepted SOMEWHERE. It's quite the feeling. But I won't be able to rest until I hear from UVic. At least then I can start planning for it and everything. WHY DO THEY TAKE SO BLOODY LONG?! I want to go there so badly.

Dogs Requiem. Wow. Alex, my friend, you nailed it. I love that play SO much. Dammit, now I really want to direct something...

So I'm not at the Producers tonight. Turns out Keith misread the date on his ticket, so it's March 28th, not March 23rd. Oh well. I actually found that kind of funny. It's fine though, I've gotten a chance to brush up on Owen Meany this evening.

But man, if things go my way, I'll have seen 4 shows between this Thursday and next Thursday. With any luck I'll see the Pillowman on Saturday, and Eric Clapton on Monday with mein papa, the Producers on Wednesday and Kes' AfroCuban show on Thursday....oh wait, that's 5 shows! Aha!

On Hugging:

Yes, I thought I'd give this ramble a quasi-academic title...now I want people's opinions on this. I couldn't make up my mind about it. For the sake of anyone reading this, I wouldn't take it too seriously if I were you. I don't, really. It's just something I was idly pondering. I'm not actually that insane....or am I? Take it for what it's worth, whatever that may be. =p

Hugs are simply awesome. We all love getting them and giving them. When you're hugging someone, it's like for that short moment that person is the most important person in the world. There's something so loving and affectionate in a hug, be it platonic or otherwise. So naturally we really appreciate people who give good hugs. Usually I try to give the best hugs as I possibly can, regardless of what kind of a hug the other person(s) is/are giving. But perhaps there's something wrong with that. Perhaps it becomes hollow to put such unconditional effort put into hugging. I mean, what about when hugging someone you don't really like but you'll hug them any way for the purpose of being polite or civil or whatever you want to call it? Is it worth the effort of a good hug,especially when you know deep down inside yourself that it's all a facade? Should we save truly affectionate hugs exclusively for those we genuinely like, perhaps for the sake of preserving some meaning in the act of hugging? After all, anything worth the effort should not be thrown around so carelessly, right?
Or can hugging people whom we don't particularly like with all our might perhaps cultivate some sort of fondness toward that person, extending the olive branch, as it were? Hugging a person who's hugging you for politeness sake may reconsider hugging if you do it like you mean it. If you looked at it like that then it wouldn't be merely wasting a good hug on someone, if that's even possible.

I hope I haven't killed hugs for you with all this intellectualising. I guess in the end you just have to go with the feel of things, when it comes to hugs. Is it even worth debating? Are there even any answers to these questions? Is Liam a damn fool? Gah! I need a hug.

EVERYONE COME SEE DOGS REQUIEM! THURSDAY, MARCH 22!

Sorry for the lack of postage. Perhaps the taps of worthwhile telling have run dry lately. I don't really know what to tell you. But then, why should I always have news, per se? If all I measure my life by is progress, then I'll never get anywhere! But maybe progress is all we have to measure our lives by; progress in how much money we make, how many friends we have, how many days go by before I GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS PLACE, how well your relationships with other people are going, how much IQ you're gaining in your noodle, or how much facial hair you're able to grow....

I had coffee with Riff, today. That was quite nice. How I missed that chap. And then on the bus Gina and I saw this guy who was actually freestyle rapping! And he had a boombox, too. It was quite cool.

Right now, I'm reading A Prayer for Owen Meany. Now don't get me wrong, I think it's really good so far. But I'm really not in the mood for it, I'm sorry to say. It's fiction based on the real world, which is too close to real life, and it's kind of depressing.

Damn this March weather. It tricks me into feeling like it's April or May, and then rudely reminds me it's not. Could you tell I want this year to be over? Haha I sure couldn't. ;p

I need a vacation from all this....so I keep on reading Lord of the Rings. That's probably when I'm at my most content. When I'm curled up with my nose buried in those lovely-smelling pages. And when I'm listening to Arcade Fire, or playing my guitar, or singing Shaw's songs. Those things in particular keep me happy. It's all a nice little tonic against other things in particular that are getting under my skin.

Ahh, that would be quite nice. I'd like to take my own 'there and back again' journey. Into the wilderness. Into the mountains. Perhaps even a space ship. Or to the ocean. Or all of them at once.

I'm sorry, guys. I'll try to come back on here with some better news.

Love to everybody!

Fare Thee Well, Unemployment.

YAAAAAAY!!!! I FINALLY GOT A JOB! Ahhhh that feels good. Now I feel like I'm starting to make some more tangible progress, if only a little bit. I'm finally getting somewhere. I know, it's pretty sad to measure the progress of my life by whether or not I get a part time job. But seriously, it does 2 things: passes the time and gets me money, most of which I can save up for school, and some of which I can buy stuff with. ANd that's no small feat is it?
Yes, it's Safeway Starbucks. I'm finally a corporate whore! Hurrah! And you know what? I'm fine with that. Besides, even if I come to hate this job, I can keep in mind it'll only be for a few months. And then sayonara (sp?), Calgary! So yeah, my orientation is this Thursday.

In other news, I think once I get time I'm going to start writing the script for my new play. Talking to Dean (the Greek one) about his scriptwriting has inspired me to get back in the game once again. So as soon as my hands aren't tied with essays and projects and applications and paperwork, I will get started.

I also want to enter Stroll of Poets again, but I don't know when the deadline is, or if I can enter even though I most likely won't be there when it happens...

Well, I'd like to keep chatting, but I can't sit on my laurels forever, although I'd like to. Stupid goddamn homework. Ok, I'll talk to you all later.

Here's a short thing I wrote a couple months ago, just thought I'd post it. Looking back on it, it seemed like I was trying so hard to sound thoughtful and introspective, and in reality I still have no idea what I'm talking about. But no matter; tripe or no tripe, I just liked writing it:

i'll let life move me in me
churn me please,
the milk of human kindness
butter-becoming
constantly recycling reincarnating old trash
in bins and depots overflowing
with this lovely life-garbage
a seasonal dawning the resurrection
the good news erection

and we'll all peel out of those old hides on
occasion but we're dying to get back in
patching quilts of past-life skins
to document the self with self-armour
because life is that old beast that deadline
the dead-feeling those face-kisses and missed
phone calls the unturned pages of the calendar

to which you come home to every night and
stare at in the mirror over and over hoping
to force a change, constantly wrenched from
a constant new womb thrust into a
new family, a commune of strangers
who have nothing in common but that
same warm place,
that same once-occupied space
we all have recorded deep down in
the blueprints of our hearts.

Hey all. Sorry for the dry spell...

At Bellafonte's was an unequivocal success, I'm happy to announce. I suppose everyone's heard about it already, but whatever! For those who didn't get to see it, I believe it has been filmed, for yearbook, I think. I don't know what the quality of the film will be like, but at least there will be some footage on it.

Chanda got valedictorian, by the way. I'm genuinely happy for her, but she'd better do a fantastic job of this, or else...

We're into the swing of term 2, and already I'm tired of it. I just want this year to be over, and end all this stress once and for all. Why did I take on so many things at once? I barely even got a break over exam break.....

I've finished the application process to UVic. Brandie is sending in Westmount transcripts, and the official ones are on their way later this week. I really REALLY need to get out of here!

Tomorrow, I'm going to apply at another Safeway, where Peter, Johanna, Jaki, Megan, Erica and godknowswhoelse work. Johanna and Jaki tell me there's a good chance I'll get hired, so I really hope this goes well.

Sadly I have to weight a bit longer for Drivers Ed. I'm so tired of goddamn waiting! ARRGUHIUHRIUHGTUH!!!

I'm not sure how I'm doing.

I'm really sorry guys. I'm just rather stressed and confused and sad and burned out and BLAHGYHUBIUH87@^&*%@#&*^T# right now. I'll be ok though, don't worry. things will be ok, eventually.



Please make summer come soon.....

Lists

New(er) movies I have to see:

-Babel (which I'm seeing today!)
-Children of Men
-The Last King of Scotland
-Blood Diamond
-The Departed
-Casino Royale
-Venus
-Dreamgirls
-The Prestige (haha, just for Gabby's sake)
-Perfume

old(er) movies I have to see:

-Apocalypse Now
-Citizen Kane
-Reservoir Dogs
-Jackie Brown
-Shawshank Redemption
-12 Angry Men
-The Godfather
-Angels in America
-Scarface (hmm I'm noticing the Al Pacino trend, here)
-anything with Katherine Hepburn, really
-Philadelphia
-1984
-What's Eating Gilbert Grape
-The Producers (original)
-City of God
-Casablanca
-Schindler's List
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
-All The President's Men
-The Usual Suspects
-Monsieur Verdoux

Books I have to read:

-Shalimar the Clown
-My Ishmael (lent to me by Allana. I confess, I mostly want to read it so she'll return me my Old Man and the Sea)
-Fight Club
-The Fate of Africa
-On Liberty/The Subjection of Women
-Angela's Ashes
-The Iliad (HA! That's funny.)
-War and Peace (even FUNNIER!)
-On the Road
-The English Patient
-The Favourite Game


If anyone has any other movies or books they think I MUST read, please feel free to suggest!

I'm really excited to start working on Footloose. I'm fascinated by Shaw's character, but at the same time I'm really intimidated. I think I'm still finding it hard to imagine playing someone like this. Well, how hard can it be, right? RIGHT?! I guess I'll find out...

Kinda stressed about the play. Yeah. Just a tad. Figured out the lighting problem. Now the one thing I'm worried about is the a paint. I have no money, so I might have to mooch off of my cast. Oh yeah, and we need to rehearse like CRAZY. When we presented it last Friday it was really good, but still reeeally unpolished. Which is a polite way of saying some parts sucked. So now's the time to do it.

New term is coming around. I'm actually raher nervous about it. It means the urgency to get drivers ed and get a job increases. I HAVE been proactive on both fronts, however, so eventually it should all sort itself out....I hope. But yes, enough of that.

Pan's Labyrinth was a beautiful movie. It's like a fairy tale....with FASCISM! But yeah, it's got the simplicity of a children's story, as in it's not so complicated that a child couldn't understand it -- but that is the point, I think. And that in no way makes it less poignant. What makes it more than a children's fairy tale is, you know, the minute details, shall we say; just mere technicalities, if you will. Like swearing, gore and YES, politics, and all that good stuff. It's very dark and macabre at parts, and at best it's FREAKIN' INTENSE!!! I'm really glad it's up for best foreign film. It deserves it.

Sooooo....how's everybody doin'?

Flaming Lips are awe-inspiring.

Ahhhhhhh.

We've finally presented the play. It went really well, I'd say. The biggest problem was people screwed up therefore skipped a lot of lines, and blocking was forgotten in some parts, too. Contrary to what Jim said about the tempos of the lines, I think they could've been done a lot better. A lot of the lines were supposed to be delivered in a way that evoked more humour, in a sort of "Who's on First" style, but I think that was lost in translation, so the audience couldn't pick up on some of the potentially funny parts. But oh well. I know WHY that happened, so I know how we can fix it, and that can only come with time and practice, really. We've got one more performance to go! Truth be told, I'm SO proud of everyone. The audience loved it, and everyone was not only there, but played their characters perfectly.

It was such a busy day. I get tired just thinking about it.

Callbacks are over, so now the final step to casting begins...

I really want to get Shaw....not just because Jim's been filling my head with the idea that I could pull off playing him, but because so far he looks like a really good acting challenge, and it occurred to me a while ago, that I'm not that much of a Musical Theatre geek. Don't get me wrong, I still love it. But I'm mostly in it for the acting, I think.

It kind of sucks though, because if I do get a part, it's most likely gonna be Shaw. I'm sure at this point someone could scold me thoroughly and say "Shut up Liam, that's nothing to complain about!" But that's exactly it. If I do get it, I'll feel like I didn't earn it because of the way Jim casts his roles. I know, obviously he knows my strengths and weaknesses, so he'd have faith that I could do it. But you know what they say: "you're only as good as your next performance." So I dunno. It doesn't bother me too much. I'm not so naive to think that Jim would cast his shows any other way, and I've come to accept it. But, you know, it kinda bugs me.

Either way, whether I get the role or not, this year is going to pack a mighty punch. Yay 80's!

So Geoff and I are having a Scriptwriting Duel. He's already got a brilliant idea, AND he's started writing it! So I have to get going. I'm still sort of gathering my energy which I spent so much of, on At Bellafonte's. But I've already got a new idea for a play/movie script. So I better not take too long to get started!

On that note, the shooting of Epson shall begin forthwith, when Kylian gets back.

That's all for now.

Ciao, folks.

Sorry, I've been boring

Well, here I am, in the final stretch of this wretched term. I can't believe I'll have finished my last first term of high school. Just 3 more weeks and it's ALL over. Yes, I realise, it's only going to start over again with the second term, but that's fine. I need that feel of renewal, of change. For now, I've gotta get my diplomas done (thank god it's only English), and worry about these two plays I'm doing. I'm done the hardest part of the Summerstock auditions, (and I might add I did not bomb it!). It's Drama class, really, that worries me; the exams, not so much. Once I start this new term, hopefully I'll have a job, and I'll be a month closer to when Joelle comes home, and a month closer till I find out whether or not I got into UVic or UBC (and by the way I still have to apply to St.FX and Mount Allison :s ), and a month closer to graduation! These are crucial times, my friends, and all I've got to ride on is hope....

and speaking of riding, I still have to learn to drive. Man, why am I like that? I'm all resolution and big ideas, but I never get anything done?! Yes yes, I know, complaining about it isn't helping, and the only thing that'll actually help is shutting up and doing it. I just wish I knew why I was like this, dammit. Ok, I'll go learn to drive, get a job, and volunteer in 3...2.......1 and a half.........1 and a quarter................1................................................shit.

Hmm...I came on here with more resolution and purpose.....now I realise I don't have that much to say...

So last night, Gabby came home with SUPER MARIO ALL-STARS IN HER HANDS! I was so very happy. So being my nerdy and lame self, once I was done my half-studying, I kept boredom at bay by burning out on this lovely classic. It's got the first 3 Mario games EVER on it. This goes to show that I'm actually making progress in my mission to collect all my favourites from the olden days.

Are you ever all by your self, and you start thinking about a conversation you had with someone or would like to have with someone, and then you start speaking your side of the conversation out loud and then you realise what you're doing and then get embarrassed because someone could've heard you, but then you remember you're all by yourself? Does that ever happen to you? Oh, bundle of neuroses, thy name is Liam.

So I've entered that short story and a poem into a writing contest, and I'm thinking I might do a poetry reading at that place that Lori (Haney/Roadhouse, not Kawalauskas) goes to. Now, it's mostly just a matter of if they don't check for ID and if I'm allowed to go at all. Next, I'm hoping to possibly enter At Bellafonte's into the Fringe festival, but the application deadline is this coming Friday, which is the very same day that we present the play. I really wish I could see it beforehand, so I could tell if it's actually anything worth putting up for the Fringe, but I guess that just won't happen now. So all I have to rely on is the opinions of my actors. I'm mentioning all this in an effort to A) be more and more active and involved in the arts and B) to increase that involvement into the public realm. After all, it's what I want to go into, so why not?

Earlier, this week, on Tuesday, we had a rehearsal. We didn't have everyone there, but we had enough to rehearse what was troubling me for some time: the final scene. So we did that, and we worked out all the minute particulars, so fortunately everyone should know what's going on now. I'm not really worried about my actors at this point, other than the fact that if I can't get them together for one last rehearsal this week I might ACTUALLY kill someone and use them as a prop in the play (if all else fails we'll have to pull a Westside, and rehearse on the very day of performance). But my real concern is simply the fact that we haven't as of yet rehearsed with props, costume, sound or lighting (or set, but that's a moot point). The final death scene has music to it, creating a mood of release/tension, which is so absolutely crucial to the ending. So we need music. For all the play, really. It's also really hard getting props and such without money. I am jobless and broke, and I need a skull, a pistol, and...something else, I'm sure ---and I have no funds to do it. So this is going to be a liiiiiiittle problem.

Oh well, that's enough out of me. See y'all later!

P.S. Habitat for Humanity was really cool. I want to do it again, and you should all do it with me. NOW.