Perhaps the most soothing music I've ever heard. Whether I'm feeling well or not at all, it's so beautiful.
I truly hate being alone, here in Rez. Being here is probably a good thing, because here I'm out of context, uprooted, and it further defines me as a person. But this is something I can only appreciate looking back on. I hate it. And maybe that's all it really is, just being away from home. Well, that's not entirely it. But no matter how good of a day it is, I always come back here into my little box and am reminded that I am, (and how it feels right now) always will be alone. I need and I need and I need, and it never stops. I'm never content. There's fire in me, and there's no way to let it out. I feel so distant from everyone and everything. I thank those who've been here for me though. Thank you, Kevin, Kylian, Rita and Gabby. I miss you guys soooo much. Thank you, Kesinee, especially. I love you, and you've done SO much to help.
I'm lost and I'm confused and I don't know how to express this, so I come on here, and words don't do it justice. I wish I didn't have to explain myself. I wish I could just be.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
An Attempt at Mindfulness
Every now and then I take a crack at meditation. On a bad day, it's really quite frustrating, and I'm so easily distracted with the noise and madness in my head, and then I become aware of my distraction, which makes it even more frustrating, so it feels like I've wasted my time. But I know that every attempt is worth it, ultimately. On a good day, I manage to separate myself from my thoughts, and I get to a point where I really feel the effects of mindfulness. I'll try to explain. You become so aware of everything around you, and with your eyes closed it feels like everything is really close to you, every sound and every sensation. It also feels like, when I open my eyes, it feels like everything is really far away; I look down at my feet and it feels like I'm so high up from them, because I feel so entrenched within my own mind, as if I'm a small observer, looking out through a window into the world. It's really hard to explain, and it's not really as fantastical as I make it out to sound. It sounds trippy, but it's really not. It's just a feeling like...like you're really there, and your mind isn't anywhere else. It's a feeling of presence, a strong concentration. It's quite a cool feeling. But I know it doesn't stop there. There's even more concentration and practice that can lead you to an even deeper and more focused state. That's what I think mindfulness is all about, as I've experienced it. A calm, focused, single-pointedness of mind. I just wish I could have that as soon as I get off of my pillow and go live my daily life. Meditation can make you feel quite good and relaxed sometimes, but what good is it, really, unless it's benefits start to show in the rest of your life? I'm not sure if it really has shown or not. I just need to be patient. It's a long, agonising, and exciting process.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Recycling.
I think there's a misconception about art that I've had, which is important to point out in order to further understand how it works. I always talk about art as an act of creation. But what it really is is re-creation. This all makes a lot of sense since, unfortunately, we are not God, so we aren't able to make something out of nothing. Rather, we convert something into something else. It's like the laws of thermodynamics, how the total sum of energy in the universe can neither be increased nor decreased; you cant can't create new energy or destroy it, only convert it. The same goes for Art. It's recycling, really, and I don't mean that in a pejorative sense at all. It's taking what's already there and rearranging it into something new, or at least giving it the illusion of newness, and the reason why art is so poignant or illuminating is not because it's concepts are new, but because it points towards something we always knew was there, but never recognised it. It shows us something in us--terrifying or awe-inspiring, or moving, but not altogether unfamiliar.
It's a humbling thought, knowing that ultimately you, as an artist, are not the source, but merely the vehicle, the conduit, for the inspiration, the art, for something greater, or at least something other than yourself. It's humbling but it's also empowering and relieving, because it takes the daunting task of God off our shoulders, and we are given license to use what's around us, to use what's already there to make our art. So if I'm ever in a struggle to find inspiration, all I need to do is take what's there.
It's a humbling thought, knowing that ultimately you, as an artist, are not the source, but merely the vehicle, the conduit, for the inspiration, the art, for something greater, or at least something other than yourself. It's humbling but it's also empowering and relieving, because it takes the daunting task of God off our shoulders, and we are given license to use what's around us, to use what's already there to make our art. So if I'm ever in a struggle to find inspiration, all I need to do is take what's there.
just fillin' my quota...
I just finished my report for religious studies, and my thesis/outline for theatre history. I would celebrate if it weren't so late, and I, so tired. And yet here I am, blogging away into oblivion. Why am I journaling as opposed to sleeping, you ask? I don't know! But then again, the most frequently I've blogged was a week ago, when I felt a lot worse than I do right now. And now, I feel very very tired, from a weekend full of hard researching labour. It seems the best time to write is when it is most inconvenient to do so. I guess that always happens, doesn't it? You never get inspiration when you're sitting in front of the screen. No! It's when your in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the bloody bus or something, when something hits you and you are far away from paper, pen or computer. My capacity to have inspiration is always at odds with my capacity to communicate it.
Anyway, Im writing, is my point, which really isn't much of a point, when you think about it. Unless you consider the importance of writing for writing's sake, which I do. So I guess it is a good point. How 'bout that.
As the week went on I started feeling a bit better. But again, I know very well that that doesn't mean my problems are dealt with. I'm resolved to go to the counsellor when I have free time, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the meditation session. The thing is, everything's happening so rapidly in my life right now, it's hard to just step back and really see things as they are. And that's something I really need, right now.
I just can't relax. I have this constant nagging feeling, even when things are going pretty well, this nagging feeling that things should be, and therefore will be, worse. Yes, it is mostly in my mind. Everything is about mindset, and attitude. But even so, a mindset can be one of the hardest mountains to move.
Alice From Wonderland was an unmitigated hit with the audience. We had a full house every night, and I even felt more confident about my characterisation of the Hatter, by the end. Anyway good job, everybody! I had so much fun with that cast, and now I like to think we're relatively closER if still not close, to each other. We're comfortable with each other, is how it feels.
I think I understand my two-minded situation a little better. You see, I have this voice in my head, that says that my involvement in theatre is a waste of time. It's annoying, because it goes against everything I've really believed in about art, and yet it's still there, quite obnoxiously. I can't keep ignoring it, though. It comes out of my desire to be involved in and relevant to society at large and the world as a whole. And it is so easy to think that theatre doesn't accomodate that need. In some ways, it doesn't, really. Everything that happens in theatre is, quite literally, behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. I live for it (quite literally!) But its not without its disadvantages. It's not as accessible an art form as, say film, for example. This is something that's challenged all theatre-people. How do we keep up? How do we make theatre more relevant and accessible to a society that isn't predominantly occupied with theatre? It's these particular shortcomings that I find the most unsettling. It's other imperfections don't bother me at all, and in many ways I think enhance it. But this, this bugs me. Well, it's not the fault of theatre itself, and it's partially me. In the long run, when I look at my life ahead of me, I don't know what I see, at all. It's just weird because I've never been able to connect to anything like I do with theatre. It is the most alive, breathing, human art I can imagine, and I can't imagine doing anything else, at least not as vividly as I see myself here. In spite of this, part of me wants to do something else, sometimes.
I wanted to mention that the United States Government awarded the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal, on Wednesday. I must say that, as shitty as the government is, I'm proud of them for doing that, knowing very well how much that would piss the Chinese off. Bravo, guys! Way to show some backbone!
Anyway, Im writing, is my point, which really isn't much of a point, when you think about it. Unless you consider the importance of writing for writing's sake, which I do. So I guess it is a good point. How 'bout that.
As the week went on I started feeling a bit better. But again, I know very well that that doesn't mean my problems are dealt with. I'm resolved to go to the counsellor when I have free time, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the meditation session. The thing is, everything's happening so rapidly in my life right now, it's hard to just step back and really see things as they are. And that's something I really need, right now.
I just can't relax. I have this constant nagging feeling, even when things are going pretty well, this nagging feeling that things should be, and therefore will be, worse. Yes, it is mostly in my mind. Everything is about mindset, and attitude. But even so, a mindset can be one of the hardest mountains to move.
Alice From Wonderland was an unmitigated hit with the audience. We had a full house every night, and I even felt more confident about my characterisation of the Hatter, by the end. Anyway good job, everybody! I had so much fun with that cast, and now I like to think we're relatively closER if still not close, to each other. We're comfortable with each other, is how it feels.
I think I understand my two-minded situation a little better. You see, I have this voice in my head, that says that my involvement in theatre is a waste of time. It's annoying, because it goes against everything I've really believed in about art, and yet it's still there, quite obnoxiously. I can't keep ignoring it, though. It comes out of my desire to be involved in and relevant to society at large and the world as a whole. And it is so easy to think that theatre doesn't accomodate that need. In some ways, it doesn't, really. Everything that happens in theatre is, quite literally, behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. I live for it (quite literally!) But its not without its disadvantages. It's not as accessible an art form as, say film, for example. This is something that's challenged all theatre-people. How do we keep up? How do we make theatre more relevant and accessible to a society that isn't predominantly occupied with theatre? It's these particular shortcomings that I find the most unsettling. It's other imperfections don't bother me at all, and in many ways I think enhance it. But this, this bugs me. Well, it's not the fault of theatre itself, and it's partially me. In the long run, when I look at my life ahead of me, I don't know what I see, at all. It's just weird because I've never been able to connect to anything like I do with theatre. It is the most alive, breathing, human art I can imagine, and I can't imagine doing anything else, at least not as vividly as I see myself here. In spite of this, part of me wants to do something else, sometimes.
I wanted to mention that the United States Government awarded the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal, on Wednesday. I must say that, as shitty as the government is, I'm proud of them for doing that, knowing very well how much that would piss the Chinese off. Bravo, guys! Way to show some backbone!
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Well, it's 3:20 A.M.
I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I have a Poetry Exam this morning, and of course, I can't sleep. So I was thinking, well, I have plenty on my mind to keep me up, so I may as well blog about it.
I managed to feel a sense of calm eventually, tonight, as I was trying to get to sleep. I've been stressing so much about everything, and I have so much of everything to stress about. I just tried to think about each thing I have to do --my papers, my tests, my shows, my hours etc etc.-- individually, as opposed to looking at it as one giant monster that's consuming my life. I couldn't think straight, I could barely see straight with how much I have to do on my mind. At some point though my mind just went "WHOA! SLOW THE FUCK DOWWWWWN!" Eventually I managed to calm down a bit more, and I didn't feel like I loathed my own existence as much. It's just for now, I know, but I should take it for what it's worth.
Being apart from Joelle is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I think it'll do us both some good to grow on our own, now. And maybe, down the road we can be together again, if we still feel the same way about each other. Love is a persistent creature, after all. But it won't be a moment before we know we're both ready. We weren't ready this summer. We rushed into it. I can't blame myself. There was nothing I could do. At least I'll keep telling myself that. Joelle isn't well right now, and she isn't in any kind of state to have a relationship. There's nothing I can do. I still contributed though. I feel as though, because there was nothing I could do, that it's because of who I am; there's something inherently wrong with me, something in my nature that makes me incompatible with her. Hopefully I'm wrong, but such thoughts will arise as is wont.
But nevertheless, I want to see this time as a time to take care of myself. I will do things that make me happy, things that are good for me. I'm cutting off facebook, and msn, and communicating only through e-mail, cell phone, blog, or in person. it's kind of sad to say, but it's hard for me to remember what my life was like before I ever got msn or facebook! What did I do with my time?! I must withdraw myself from the world a little bit, and let myself recover, and heal. Something that contributes to my loneliness comes from craving company and not getting anything out of it once I have it, and so I mean to keep a distance to a degree, in certain situations, anyway. If I have to be thrust into this isolation, then at least I can try to enjoy the pleasure of my own company a little more. I need to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm no good to anybody if I can't help myself.
So IF Jo and I ever do get back together, it has to be under better circumstances, or else it will fall apart. But yes, it is something I'd consider. I love her, still.
I hope to find the counseling office on Friday, and look into that. On Monday, I'm meditating after class, no ifs ands or buts.
Oh! Now it's almost 4:00 AM. Almost 3 hours till I have to wake up! Won't this be fun...
Ok. I can do this. I am doing this.
I managed to feel a sense of calm eventually, tonight, as I was trying to get to sleep. I've been stressing so much about everything, and I have so much of everything to stress about. I just tried to think about each thing I have to do --my papers, my tests, my shows, my hours etc etc.-- individually, as opposed to looking at it as one giant monster that's consuming my life. I couldn't think straight, I could barely see straight with how much I have to do on my mind. At some point though my mind just went "WHOA! SLOW THE FUCK DOWWWWWN!" Eventually I managed to calm down a bit more, and I didn't feel like I loathed my own existence as much. It's just for now, I know, but I should take it for what it's worth.
Being apart from Joelle is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I think it'll do us both some good to grow on our own, now. And maybe, down the road we can be together again, if we still feel the same way about each other. Love is a persistent creature, after all. But it won't be a moment before we know we're both ready. We weren't ready this summer. We rushed into it. I can't blame myself. There was nothing I could do. At least I'll keep telling myself that. Joelle isn't well right now, and she isn't in any kind of state to have a relationship. There's nothing I can do. I still contributed though. I feel as though, because there was nothing I could do, that it's because of who I am; there's something inherently wrong with me, something in my nature that makes me incompatible with her. Hopefully I'm wrong, but such thoughts will arise as is wont.
But nevertheless, I want to see this time as a time to take care of myself. I will do things that make me happy, things that are good for me. I'm cutting off facebook, and msn, and communicating only through e-mail, cell phone, blog, or in person. it's kind of sad to say, but it's hard for me to remember what my life was like before I ever got msn or facebook! What did I do with my time?! I must withdraw myself from the world a little bit, and let myself recover, and heal. Something that contributes to my loneliness comes from craving company and not getting anything out of it once I have it, and so I mean to keep a distance to a degree, in certain situations, anyway. If I have to be thrust into this isolation, then at least I can try to enjoy the pleasure of my own company a little more. I need to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm no good to anybody if I can't help myself.
So IF Jo and I ever do get back together, it has to be under better circumstances, or else it will fall apart. But yes, it is something I'd consider. I love her, still.
I hope to find the counseling office on Friday, and look into that. On Monday, I'm meditating after class, no ifs ands or buts.
Oh! Now it's almost 4:00 AM. Almost 3 hours till I have to wake up! Won't this be fun...
Ok. I can do this. I am doing this.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Brain vomit.
I don't know if this is therapeutic or not. I'm crying. I'm so tired of this cycle. Even if a day goes well, I know I'll end up feeling like this again.
To anyone reading this, I ask that you not read too much into what I write for the next while, because these are the words of someone in the thick of it, someone whose words are straight from raw emotion, minus the contemplative reflection.
Do you believe in soul mates? The realist in me says no, but once my emotions get involved, I want so badly to believe it. One's own emotions are, after all, so terribly convincing. Maybe there are soulmates. But maybe not everyone has one. John Lennon and Paul McCartney were soulmates, kindred spirits, for a time in their life. But then John met Yoko, and that was that. It's not such an unfeasible idea, soulmates. Incredibly hard to find though, if so. Some people are so deeply connected to each other, so why not? Well, maybe it's not a question of are there soulmates, but are there predestined soulmates, singular and forever fixed in heaven, that must be found in life? I suppose that also depends on whether or not you believe in fate, and destiny. It's just a hypothetical question, anyway. I won't bother trying to apply it to my own personal life right now, because I'm in a fog, and there's no way I can get perspective on something like that anyway. So why am I bringing it up? Now, especially, when such a grandiose question would arise naturally, given the shitty circumstances of my life as it is presently? Well, I guess that's exactly it. It was on my mind, and so was the nature of love in general. Love is most definitely real, to anybody who experiences it. It's probably the most real thing there is, if not the only real thing. But even so, is there true love? Is true love indestructible? Mutable? Variable? Is it even there?
Alright, well that did seem rather contemplative. I guess what I meant to say is that, I just want to speak my mind, without editing it. I'm not crying anymore. I've erased a lot of other things I wanted to say. I've edited this entry quite a bit. And I suppose I will no matter what, when writing for an audience. But I don't mean to filter my thoughts. I'll try to keep the editing to a minimum. That's what I want to do, no matter how stupid or wrong a thought may be. It has to come out. As Shakespeare said, the truth will out.
To anyone reading this, I ask that you not read too much into what I write for the next while, because these are the words of someone in the thick of it, someone whose words are straight from raw emotion, minus the contemplative reflection.
Do you believe in soul mates? The realist in me says no, but once my emotions get involved, I want so badly to believe it. One's own emotions are, after all, so terribly convincing. Maybe there are soulmates. But maybe not everyone has one. John Lennon and Paul McCartney were soulmates, kindred spirits, for a time in their life. But then John met Yoko, and that was that. It's not such an unfeasible idea, soulmates. Incredibly hard to find though, if so. Some people are so deeply connected to each other, so why not? Well, maybe it's not a question of are there soulmates, but are there predestined soulmates, singular and forever fixed in heaven, that must be found in life? I suppose that also depends on whether or not you believe in fate, and destiny. It's just a hypothetical question, anyway. I won't bother trying to apply it to my own personal life right now, because I'm in a fog, and there's no way I can get perspective on something like that anyway. So why am I bringing it up? Now, especially, when such a grandiose question would arise naturally, given the shitty circumstances of my life as it is presently? Well, I guess that's exactly it. It was on my mind, and so was the nature of love in general. Love is most definitely real, to anybody who experiences it. It's probably the most real thing there is, if not the only real thing. But even so, is there true love? Is true love indestructible? Mutable? Variable? Is it even there?
Alright, well that did seem rather contemplative. I guess what I meant to say is that, I just want to speak my mind, without editing it. I'm not crying anymore. I've erased a lot of other things I wanted to say. I've edited this entry quite a bit. And I suppose I will no matter what, when writing for an audience. But I don't mean to filter my thoughts. I'll try to keep the editing to a minimum. That's what I want to do, no matter how stupid or wrong a thought may be. It has to come out. As Shakespeare said, the truth will out.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
well, if I'm going to write on here, I may as well be honest. I'm unhappy. Usually when I feel down I tell myself that I'll be alright. But right now, I don't even know. I feel really, really alone. I'm very lonely and always doubting myself and furthermore feeling unable to express this outwardly, and being away from home makes it especially hard as well. There's no comfort in being around people for me, but I hate being by myself. I feel isolated and overwhelmed, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do about it. It's really hard for me to say this, but the more I deny it the worse it gets. I'd be lying if I said I was alright. I'm confronting a lot of things in myself, and I don't like what I'm seeing. It's hard just writing this down, as I know there's so many things I want to say. Everything's such a mess, and I'm finding it really hard to get perspective on things, right now. I'm sorry, guys. I'm really grateful for everyone's friendship and support, so I'm sorry if I'm unable to really show it. It's something I have to sort out eventually on my own, but for now I can't bare that thought. If I do grow and learn from this, then it had better be worth it. But life goes on, right? Whether we like it or not. Whether we go willingly or are dragged kicking and screaming, it goes on. This is so hard.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
my latest dispatches...
So I'm writing here and now in order to force myself into the habit of doing it on a regular basis. Even if I don't particularly have something to write about, I have to do it. Even though there's plenty other things I should be focusing on right now, like studying for my test on Thursday, or going over my lines, or preparing for the interview with Lisi tomorrow, or keeping up with my readings in all my classes, or editing and critquing my peers poems for Writing---an infinite list of things I have to do, but I still make time to write. I have to. I'll find something to write about. Thankfully I almost always do have something to write aobut, and it's simply a matter of whether or not I wish to publish it, to let my thoughts be known to the world.
I saw Idomeneo tonight. Overall, I liked it. I must admit, it was hard for me to get into at first, because after all, it is a different kind of theatre from what I'm used to. Obviously Opera is Opera, and I know what it's like, but even so, I had to unconsciously shift my mindset to watch it. To be fair, I've heard and seen snippets of it, but I've never seen one in full-length. The acting was alright, of course the singing was the most important part, which was stupendous anyway, and for what it is, I really liked how it was directed and put together. It was also a dress rehearsal, so the parts that bothered me, I'm assuming, were because of that---the fact that the subtitles on the screen above the stage kept cutting out, so we couldn't understand half of what they were singing (Idomeneo being in Italian). Thankfully I did a little bit of research beforehand, and we got the bare minimum so the plot still made sense. But yeah, despite its blips, it was good. Would I see another Opera? Probably not, unless it's a decent price. But you never know.
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Something's been bugging me lately. Well not just lately, all the time, and only lately have I looked at it more closely. It's something that's really come up because of, well, things in my personal life that have led me to think hard about it, and also the fact that I'm living in University now, and because of this, I'm uprooted and out of context, and realising what kind of a person I am in contrast to different environments. So I know that I'm an introvert, and that I have my happiest moments, moments of clarity and peace, when I'm alone, and as soon as I interact with others, a lot of that is lost, and I hate it. I love being around people and being among people, and I wish I could share myself with them, but I feel like pretty much all the time, I can't do it all that well, and people don't quite know what I'm really like. One of the problems is that I have poor communication skills, especially when talking (unless it's rehearsed, prepared, much like a script. Hmm, any wonder why I love to act?). And the other reason is that I, being riddled with insecurities, have a desparate need to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true, and it's there. I generally like people, and I like to get to know them and I believe in being friendly like most people, but even then, when I do it I feel so fake, and so unbelievably awkward. I try so hard to please; I suck up to my teachers and superiors, consciously or unconsciously. I try to take a diplomatic road wth people, even though there are some things I have strong opinions about. I've always been that way, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break that habit. Why can't I just be who I am and not worry about what others think about me? My flaws and my insecurities will shine through anyway, so why bother trying to cover them up? I bottle so much up, but I'm really not hard to read, even though I may think I can be sometimes. My thoughts betray me, without fail, and often because I don't confront it, it blows up in my face. Why can't I share myself more with people? Face to face, and not through writing?
I saw Idomeneo tonight. Overall, I liked it. I must admit, it was hard for me to get into at first, because after all, it is a different kind of theatre from what I'm used to. Obviously Opera is Opera, and I know what it's like, but even so, I had to unconsciously shift my mindset to watch it. To be fair, I've heard and seen snippets of it, but I've never seen one in full-length. The acting was alright, of course the singing was the most important part, which was stupendous anyway, and for what it is, I really liked how it was directed and put together. It was also a dress rehearsal, so the parts that bothered me, I'm assuming, were because of that---the fact that the subtitles on the screen above the stage kept cutting out, so we couldn't understand half of what they were singing (Idomeneo being in Italian). Thankfully I did a little bit of research beforehand, and we got the bare minimum so the plot still made sense. But yeah, despite its blips, it was good. Would I see another Opera? Probably not, unless it's a decent price. But you never know.
--------------------------------------------
Something's been bugging me lately. Well not just lately, all the time, and only lately have I looked at it more closely. It's something that's really come up because of, well, things in my personal life that have led me to think hard about it, and also the fact that I'm living in University now, and because of this, I'm uprooted and out of context, and realising what kind of a person I am in contrast to different environments. So I know that I'm an introvert, and that I have my happiest moments, moments of clarity and peace, when I'm alone, and as soon as I interact with others, a lot of that is lost, and I hate it. I love being around people and being among people, and I wish I could share myself with them, but I feel like pretty much all the time, I can't do it all that well, and people don't quite know what I'm really like. One of the problems is that I have poor communication skills, especially when talking (unless it's rehearsed, prepared, much like a script. Hmm, any wonder why I love to act?). And the other reason is that I, being riddled with insecurities, have a desparate need to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true, and it's there. I generally like people, and I like to get to know them and I believe in being friendly like most people, but even then, when I do it I feel so fake, and so unbelievably awkward. I try so hard to please; I suck up to my teachers and superiors, consciously or unconsciously. I try to take a diplomatic road wth people, even though there are some things I have strong opinions about. I've always been that way, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break that habit. Why can't I just be who I am and not worry about what others think about me? My flaws and my insecurities will shine through anyway, so why bother trying to cover them up? I bottle so much up, but I'm really not hard to read, even though I may think I can be sometimes. My thoughts betray me, without fail, and often because I don't confront it, it blows up in my face. Why can't I share myself more with people? Face to face, and not through writing?
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