I haven't been back a week and I've already broken my resolution. I'm writing now, but now is 2 AM, January 10. I didn't write a thing for the 9th. My story's due in 2 days, and it's really not in shape for submission. It's true that if a class assignment is my biggest problem, then my life's pretty darn good. But it's more than that of course. Just once, I wish I could be someone with integrity. Just once I wish I could follow through with something, completely uncompromising, ruthless and relentless. I want to measure up to my ideals. It's hard to stay strong when the support I get, however much I appreciate it, I can only get from afar. I don't communicate a lot with my Writing classmates, while I'm around my theatre compadres 95% of the time, and there's only so much they can do for me, God bless 'em. It just gets real lonely out here, that's all I'm saying. Oh, and I don't think short fiction is my thing, at least the way they want it. I think I'm better off in poetry or playwriting, if anything. Or you know, just writing for myself. That's always easy. I know what I'm talking about and I don't have to explain to anybody.

Right now as well, I think I have no idea who I am. I am unable to speak freely and truthfully most of the time, and this is a terribly frustrating feeling. A lot of the time I seem to avoid having an opinion just so I don't have to go up against anyone and be shot down. I have little confidence. i wish I had confidence. I wish I had the balls to laugh at myself more, and stand up for what I believe in and who I am. I have no shape. I'm an amoeba. I really want a shape, something to call 'me'. If someone asked me who I am, I don't know what to tell them, besides the basic facts. It doesn't count to want to be these things unless I actually am them. It's not enough to want to be reliable and generous and compassionate and courageous. Everybody wants to have these qualities. It's not enough to want them. You have no idea how much I wish I had a shape.