In Uta Hagen's Respect For Acting, she mentions the frequently asked question: "should I stay in theatre?" to which she answers "if you have to ask, then no, you shouldn't". I often have to ask myself this question, so does that mean I shouldn't stay? I just want to get this out now: my dilemma has nothing to do with money. I'm aware that theatre, acting especially is generally not a lucrative job. That doesn't bother me. In fact it's comforting that I'm not worried about that. But it's the fact that I should feel ostracised from a wonderful art form simply because I don't want to be married to it, that upsets me. But on the other end, there's a monstrous thing called the entertainment industry. It just sickens me that so many people get recognition in the world for having no talent, while people I know work so hard to keep the art of acting respectable. It's really no surprise that actors are so often the butt-end of jokes. Half the time, they deserve it. I don't want to be associated with people like that. And it's infuriating that it is so closely associated with an industry absolutely teeming with hacks and financial backers to those hacks. It's not that I'm not able to make fun of myself, but I want to be a part of something I can truly be proud of. And there are a lot of people out there who are making acting very hard to be proud of.

It's especially hard because I can't tell whether it's them, or if it's me. I'll always have deep love and admiration for acting, but I have to wonder if it is right for me. How much longer am I going to wait before I give myself an honest answer? I'm sick of having this argument with myself. I don't want to have it until I'm an old man. Ever since I started acting I'd been made to feel like I was supposed to do it. I was encouraged and supported so much, I wonder if I just let it all go to my head or something. But the truth is, I've never felt like I was supposed to do it, like it was absolutely imperative. To be honest, I've always felt like I could do anything I put my mind to. This is a very comforting thought. But this might also point to an error in judgement. I chose UVic over Mt. Allison as if acting was something I HAD to do, when really I could have done English, or Writing or drawing or political science or WHATEVER just as willingly. Well alright, not just anything would do, I think. But I can't help but wonder if I should've taken a degree in something else as a basis for my education, and then have taken acting training afterwards. I can't help but wonder if I was seduced into acting, rather than inspired to do it. As much as I'd rather not believe in regrets, it's hard not wondering what would have been. Regardless, I'm sick of having this argument with myself, like I said. I want to move on to other things to talk about on here, for once.