my latest dispatches...

So I'm writing here and now in order to force myself into the habit of doing it on a regular basis. Even if I don't particularly have something to write about, I have to do it. Even though there's plenty other things I should be focusing on right now, like studying for my test on Thursday, or going over my lines, or preparing for the interview with Lisi tomorrow, or keeping up with my readings in all my classes, or editing and critquing my peers poems for Writing---an infinite list of things I have to do, but I still make time to write. I have to. I'll find something to write about. Thankfully I almost always do have something to write aobut, and it's simply a matter of whether or not I wish to publish it, to let my thoughts be known to the world.

I saw Idomeneo tonight. Overall, I liked it. I must admit, it was hard for me to get into at first, because after all, it is a different kind of theatre from what I'm used to. Obviously Opera is Opera, and I know what it's like, but even so, I had to unconsciously shift my mindset to watch it. To be fair, I've heard and seen snippets of it, but I've never seen one in full-length. The acting was alright, of course the singing was the most important part, which was stupendous anyway, and for what it is, I really liked how it was directed and put together. It was also a dress rehearsal, so the parts that bothered me, I'm assuming, were because of that---the fact that the subtitles on the screen above the stage kept cutting out, so we couldn't understand half of what they were singing (Idomeneo being in Italian). Thankfully I did a little bit of research beforehand, and we got the bare minimum so the plot still made sense. But yeah, despite its blips, it was good. Would I see another Opera? Probably not, unless it's a decent price. But you never know.

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Something's been bugging me lately. Well not just lately, all the time, and only lately have I looked at it more closely. It's something that's really come up because of, well, things in my personal life that have led me to think hard about it, and also the fact that I'm living in University now, and because of this, I'm uprooted and out of context, and realising what kind of a person I am in contrast to different environments. So I know that I'm an introvert, and that I have my happiest moments, moments of clarity and peace, when I'm alone, and as soon as I interact with others, a lot of that is lost, and I hate it. I love being around people and being among people, and I wish I could share myself with them, but I feel like pretty much all the time, I can't do it all that well, and people don't quite know what I'm really like. One of the problems is that I have poor communication skills, especially when talking (unless it's rehearsed, prepared, much like a script. Hmm, any wonder why I love to act?). And the other reason is that I, being riddled with insecurities, have a desparate need to be liked. It sounds pathetic, I know, but it's true, and it's there. I generally like people, and I like to get to know them and I believe in being friendly like most people, but even then, when I do it I feel so fake, and so unbelievably awkward. I try so hard to please; I suck up to my teachers and superiors, consciously or unconsciously. I try to take a diplomatic road wth people, even though there are some things I have strong opinions about. I've always been that way, and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to break that habit. Why can't I just be who I am and not worry about what others think about me? My flaws and my insecurities will shine through anyway, so why bother trying to cover them up? I bottle so much up, but I'm really not hard to read, even though I may think I can be sometimes. My thoughts betray me, without fail, and often because I don't confront it, it blows up in my face. Why can't I share myself more with people? Face to face, and not through writing?