just fillin' my quota...

I just finished my report for religious studies, and my thesis/outline for theatre history. I would celebrate if it weren't so late, and I, so tired. And yet here I am, blogging away into oblivion. Why am I journaling as opposed to sleeping, you ask? I don't know! But then again, the most frequently I've blogged was a week ago, when I felt a lot worse than I do right now. And now, I feel very very tired, from a weekend full of hard researching labour. It seems the best time to write is when it is most inconvenient to do so. I guess that always happens, doesn't it? You never get inspiration when you're sitting in front of the screen. No! It's when your in the middle of nowhere, waiting for the bloody bus or something, when something hits you and you are far away from paper, pen or computer. My capacity to have inspiration is always at odds with my capacity to communicate it.
Anyway, Im writing, is my point, which really isn't much of a point, when you think about it. Unless you consider the importance of writing for writing's sake, which I do. So I guess it is a good point. How 'bout that.

As the week went on I started feeling a bit better. But again, I know very well that that doesn't mean my problems are dealt with. I'm resolved to go to the counsellor when I have free time, and tomorrow I'm going to go to the meditation session. The thing is, everything's happening so rapidly in my life right now, it's hard to just step back and really see things as they are. And that's something I really need, right now.
I just can't relax. I have this constant nagging feeling, even when things are going pretty well, this nagging feeling that things should be, and therefore will be, worse. Yes, it is mostly in my mind. Everything is about mindset, and attitude. But even so, a mindset can be one of the hardest mountains to move.

Alice From Wonderland was an unmitigated hit with the audience. We had a full house every night, and I even felt more confident about my characterisation of the Hatter, by the end. Anyway good job, everybody! I had so much fun with that cast, and now I like to think we're relatively closER if still not close, to each other. We're comfortable with each other, is how it feels.

I think I understand my two-minded situation a little better. You see, I have this voice in my head, that says that my involvement in theatre is a waste of time. It's annoying, because it goes against everything I've really believed in about art, and yet it's still there, quite obnoxiously. I can't keep ignoring it, though. It comes out of my desire to be involved in and relevant to society at large and the world as a whole. And it is so easy to think that theatre doesn't accomodate that need. In some ways, it doesn't, really. Everything that happens in theatre is, quite literally, behind closed doors. Don't get me wrong, I love theatre. I live for it (quite literally!) But its not without its disadvantages. It's not as accessible an art form as, say film, for example. This is something that's challenged all theatre-people. How do we keep up? How do we make theatre more relevant and accessible to a society that isn't predominantly occupied with theatre? It's these particular shortcomings that I find the most unsettling. It's other imperfections don't bother me at all, and in many ways I think enhance it. But this, this bugs me. Well, it's not the fault of theatre itself, and it's partially me. In the long run, when I look at my life ahead of me, I don't know what I see, at all. It's just weird because I've never been able to connect to anything like I do with theatre. It is the most alive, breathing, human art I can imagine, and I can't imagine doing anything else, at least not as vividly as I see myself here. In spite of this, part of me wants to do something else, sometimes.


I wanted to mention that the United States Government awarded the Dalai Lama the Congressional Gold Medal, on Wednesday. I must say that, as shitty as the government is, I'm proud of them for doing that, knowing very well how much that would piss the Chinese off. Bravo, guys! Way to show some backbone!