I have to be up in less than 4 hours and I have a Poetry Exam this morning, and of course, I can't sleep. So I was thinking, well, I have plenty on my mind to keep me up, so I may as well blog about it.
I managed to feel a sense of calm eventually, tonight, as I was trying to get to sleep. I've been stressing so much about everything, and I have so much of everything to stress about. I just tried to think about each thing I have to do --my papers, my tests, my shows, my hours etc etc.-- individually, as opposed to looking at it as one giant monster that's consuming my life. I couldn't think straight, I could barely see straight with how much I have to do on my mind. At some point though my mind just went "WHOA! SLOW THE FUCK DOWWWWWN!" Eventually I managed to calm down a bit more, and I didn't feel like I loathed my own existence as much. It's just for now, I know, but I should take it for what it's worth.
Being apart from Joelle is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I think it'll do us both some good to grow on our own, now. And maybe, down the road we can be together again, if we still feel the same way about each other. Love is a persistent creature, after all. But it won't be a moment before we know we're both ready. We weren't ready this summer. We rushed into it. I can't blame myself. There was nothing I could do. At least I'll keep telling myself that. Joelle isn't well right now, and she isn't in any kind of state to have a relationship. There's nothing I can do. I still contributed though. I feel as though, because there was nothing I could do, that it's because of who I am; there's something inherently wrong with me, something in my nature that makes me incompatible with her. Hopefully I'm wrong, but such thoughts will arise as is wont.
But nevertheless, I want to see this time as a time to take care of myself. I will do things that make me happy, things that are good for me. I'm cutting off facebook, and msn, and communicating only through e-mail, cell phone, blog, or in person. it's kind of sad to say, but it's hard for me to remember what my life was like before I ever got msn or facebook! What did I do with my time?! I must withdraw myself from the world a little bit, and let myself recover, and heal. Something that contributes to my loneliness comes from craving company and not getting anything out of it once I have it, and so I mean to keep a distance to a degree, in certain situations, anyway. If I have to be thrust into this isolation, then at least I can try to enjoy the pleasure of my own company a little more. I need to learn to love myself. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm no good to anybody if I can't help myself.
So IF Jo and I ever do get back together, it has to be under better circumstances, or else it will fall apart. But yes, it is something I'd consider. I love her, still.
I hope to find the counseling office on Friday, and look into that. On Monday, I'm meditating after class, no ifs ands or buts.
Oh! Now it's almost 4:00 AM. Almost 3 hours till I have to wake up! Won't this be fun...
Ok. I can do this. I am doing this.
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